Communication.. communication...

I've submitted 6 applications to do my doctorate at various American universities and so far, TAMU has welcomed me with open arms, UPenn said that they can't take me and four others are still quiet. I have always wanted to go to OU since I went there as an exchange student eleven years ago. I've actually applied three times. Once directly after I graduated but unfortunately, I was ignorant then, didn't know what to do or how to do it right, so I didn't get in. The second time was when my university let me go on study leave for my master's degree. But that didn't work out either coz my mom wanted me to stay here and get married. So we made a deal, that if I didn't get married by the time I'm due to do my PhD, she would have to let me go. Here I am single still which means that Yay! I get to do my doctorate wherever I want and she can't stop me this time. So I've been working my tail off since July last year working on my applications. The GRE, TOEFL and TSE to take etc and that took a LOT of money. I think I've spent close to 5 grand on everything, from passport to exams to postage.

I'm very happy to report that Texas A&M has offered me a place although my heart is set on OU but still I've started my preparation for my departure in August, Insyaallah. Everything is going along swimmingly except that I'm having a minor meltdown:). I've emailed all four remaining universities asking them if I am accepted because if I'm not, I'll just go to Texas A&M. All of them except for OU have replied. Is that a sign? A sign for me not to bother with OU anymore? Hmm... this sucks although all the other universities had to say was, "sorry, can't help you there as the results are simply not out yet"? My sister says that it is a sign and that I should just forget about OU. That's two unanswered emails already, y'know and they are the School of Communication Studies... not really pracising what they preach, are they? Highly suspect... so, go figure.

I hate that I even give a shit. This is what happens when you care; people can disappoint you. And this is actually the reason why I seem so laid back at times because there's no middle ground with me... Either I don't care or I go on a completely anal mode where everything can affect me.

And I hate it when I care. And that is why usually I just keep my expectations ridiculously low, so that when things do go my way, it's like "WOW!! Cool!!" (cue: huge beaming smile;))So my normal enthusiasm is basically a backwash effect of my general low/non expectation outlook in life. Then whenever something good happens, it's like everything good is all a gift with a big red bow on it.

When I want something, I'd bust my ass working for it and then go "whatever" or promptly forget about it. Some people say that it's a self- fulfilling prophecy when you expect the worst and the worst happens. So far it's worked all right for me. I haven't been grieviously disappointed much but I have lots of lovely surprises in my life. Like, instead of stressing that my friends haven't called me since the turn of the century or it's so hard to get to see some of my friends- like they are the prime minister or something or that my salary is just ridiculous, it's great when things you don't expect happen. Getting phone calls from friends whom I'd thought have dropped off the face of the earth, meeting a very busy Maddie for a 5 hour cup of coffee, getting a salary increase of 80 ringgit on top of the normal 80 ringgit this year (yup, that's my annual salary increase babe- 80 ringgit. it's ridiculous, i know, kinda funny too... hehehe There was this year when I earned RM1,999.80, one of my friends offered to give me 20 sen every month so that I could make it an even 2 grand... lol), getting through to Vino after 300 times dialling her number over the period of 3 months, seeing her on Yahoo Messenger online instead of in person. Counting my blessings, dude... that has never failed me yet.

I guess that can also explain my faith in God cos for sure I don't have any on my fellow human beings and a girl needs to be able to trust someone, don't you think? I do have to say that He hasn't disappointed me and even the times when I did feel let down.. hindsight down the road would show that what happened to me, although it sucked when it happened, needed to happen so that bigger blessings come my way.

In conclusion, if OU doesn't come through for me, it's ok. I'm sure there's a reason for it. It just struck me, although I am sure that this is an old wisdom... someone, somewhere has said the same thing some time: it's all perspective. You can see something as something positive or negative from different angles. Like I started this post in a hissy fit and right now, i'm positively calm and strangely hopeful.

You just have to learn to look at things in the right light. Some people call that being optimistic, some people call it delusional, me, i call it: keeping my sanity. Anyways, all the drama aside, I hope that everything is all well and good in your world. It's good to talk as always, although it's actually me who's doing all the talking. You know me, i'm crazy like that sometimes. Thanks for listening/reading.