Nostalgia and Melancholia
Today has been a rather emotional day. Actually it has been a rather emotional week, but it especially in class. It started for real last night when I was appointed the judge of the “Battle of the Band” competition organized in conjunction with the 2nd convocation of my little university.
Last Friday, my future boss texted me saying that the offer letter for the new job was being couriered that day. I have been wrestling with the choices; do I want to take the job or stay where I am. I’ve known for weeks that I was the successful applicant for the job and the other two internal applicants just froze and failed the interview. I got the job fair and square. And as we, at the university, are restructuring my department, I saw that there is no future for great things for me at this place as one of the experts who was a deputy vice chancellor of academic at one of the established universities in Malaysia confirmed our suspicions of our insignificance to the overall grand scheme of things. As he put it, teachers of English at a technical university are “second class citizens”. They need us but we are to insignificant for them to invest a lot in. Their principle is, “ What do you need a higher degree for if you’re just teaching English. What’s so hard about teaching ‘is, are, was, were, am’?”
We are stuck doing the same thing year in year out with no prospect of expansion in term of subject matter or career development. Anyway, at that, I made up my mind to accept the offer to go into the industry as a communication and event manager at the research and development division of an oil and gas company.
Ever since I made that decision, I have emotionally disengaging myself from my current organization. Basically, nothing fazed me, I didn’t get annoyed even when I was dealing with the most idiotic people or irritating situations. Even the immigration people made me smile when usually every time I paid them a visit, I’d go to my boss and whine at how much I hate dealing with them and that I don’t want to deal with them ever again, only to do so again the very next day. And my boss would murmur comforting nonsense and send me back to deal with the same nonsense the next day.
I have 5 teaching hours every week along with my administrative duties and I have been looking at them as necessary evil for about a year now as I hate what I have to teach and I hate that I have to teach. I like being an administrator and teaching Technical Communication felt wrong when in my heart I know that what they need is Basic Proficiency English. I felt like I was shortchanging them by giving them not what they need but what is being prescribed to them regardless of their needs. For me, when I don’t want to teach anymore, it’s time to put down the marker and do something else. However, this week, knowing that I’m leaving, I have been storing up memories and I really put my heart and soul and love into every minute of what I will not have anymore and what has been my first love: teaching. I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I was 8. well, when I was seven, I wanted to be an airline attendant (what was I thinking??!!) or a nurse (I’m glad I didn’t as nurses no longer wear that cute little caps, the reason why I wanted to become a nurse) and I’m glad to say, my love of teaching has made me a good teacher.
My kids are amazing! They are a polite, punctual because I make them sing or do catwalk if they were late and responsive bunch. It’s a crazy big class, 69 people and of which only 5 girls. They are the sweetest things, second year mechanical engineering students who after every class, would tell me sweet things like, “Thank you, miss, for teaching me today” or “ I had a good time in class tonight, miss”, or “You’re so cool, miss” without fail. Come to think of it, maybe I like teaching for its ego-boosting benefits, who knows? J
Even while teaching, I was nostalgic thinking that I will never have this again. The other night, I was teaching citing conventions, one of the most boring things on earth and they were actually enjoying it. I could see the concentration in their eyes, not glassy zombie looks and they came up to the whiteboard without me twisting their arms. I managed to achieve every English teacher’s Holy Grail—lowering their anxiety towards English and getting them to enjoy the lesson when English is normally seen as a killer subject. I just fell in love with the whole bunch of them in that instant.
This weekend is the graduation weekend and I see my students everywhere—graduating, working at organizing projects like the band competition and helping to direct traffic at the graduation ceremony in the midday sun and I was thinking to myself, “If I had anything at all to do into making them the useful, cheerful, responsible people that I see them developing into, I’m truly blessed.”
It’s like God is testing my resolve by showing me everything that I’m going to miss by choosing to take this new job. It’s like He’s asking me, “Are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure you want to leave this?”
I was in the academic procession for both sessions of convocation today and that is another element that I’m giving up. I will no longer be an academician with all the privileges and esteem that go with it, things that have been a great contributor in shaping my self-concept for nine years—possibly more, since I’ve wanted to become a teacher since forever. This will be the last time that I have the rights to don the academic robes and the mortarboard unless I earn my doctorate.
To answer God’s question, I have not changed my mind. I have great love for not the academic world with all its bullshit but for being a teacher and contributing in shaping a young life and trying to make that life at least better than mine by sharing my passions and experiences and hoping that this charge of mine will take what he or she can to make his or hers a meaningful one. I like to think that I’m trying to make the world a better, tolerant place one student at a time. But it is time to look inward and see if I’m staying a teacher because I was afraid of changes and new challenges or because I truly love it. I know exactly what my life would be like if I stay a teacher. What I do not know is what if I choose another road. Will I able to survive? Am I afraid? I hate to think that I’d stop myself from doing something out of fear. As contrary as I am, if that is indeed the reason, I’d turn around and do the very thing I’m afraid of. That is what I like about myself, and if I don’t know anything about myself, that much I know.
Nevertheless, I was overcome by my emotions and it brought tears to my eyes.
Last Friday, my future boss texted me saying that the offer letter for the new job was being couriered that day. I have been wrestling with the choices; do I want to take the job or stay where I am. I’ve known for weeks that I was the successful applicant for the job and the other two internal applicants just froze and failed the interview. I got the job fair and square. And as we, at the university, are restructuring my department, I saw that there is no future for great things for me at this place as one of the experts who was a deputy vice chancellor of academic at one of the established universities in Malaysia confirmed our suspicions of our insignificance to the overall grand scheme of things. As he put it, teachers of English at a technical university are “second class citizens”. They need us but we are to insignificant for them to invest a lot in. Their principle is, “ What do you need a higher degree for if you’re just teaching English. What’s so hard about teaching ‘is, are, was, were, am’?”
We are stuck doing the same thing year in year out with no prospect of expansion in term of subject matter or career development. Anyway, at that, I made up my mind to accept the offer to go into the industry as a communication and event manager at the research and development division of an oil and gas company.
Ever since I made that decision, I have emotionally disengaging myself from my current organization. Basically, nothing fazed me, I didn’t get annoyed even when I was dealing with the most idiotic people or irritating situations. Even the immigration people made me smile when usually every time I paid them a visit, I’d go to my boss and whine at how much I hate dealing with them and that I don’t want to deal with them ever again, only to do so again the very next day. And my boss would murmur comforting nonsense and send me back to deal with the same nonsense the next day.
I have 5 teaching hours every week along with my administrative duties and I have been looking at them as necessary evil for about a year now as I hate what I have to teach and I hate that I have to teach. I like being an administrator and teaching Technical Communication felt wrong when in my heart I know that what they need is Basic Proficiency English. I felt like I was shortchanging them by giving them not what they need but what is being prescribed to them regardless of their needs. For me, when I don’t want to teach anymore, it’s time to put down the marker and do something else. However, this week, knowing that I’m leaving, I have been storing up memories and I really put my heart and soul and love into every minute of what I will not have anymore and what has been my first love: teaching. I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I was 8. well, when I was seven, I wanted to be an airline attendant (what was I thinking??!!) or a nurse (I’m glad I didn’t as nurses no longer wear that cute little caps, the reason why I wanted to become a nurse) and I’m glad to say, my love of teaching has made me a good teacher.
My kids are amazing! They are a polite, punctual because I make them sing or do catwalk if they were late and responsive bunch. It’s a crazy big class, 69 people and of which only 5 girls. They are the sweetest things, second year mechanical engineering students who after every class, would tell me sweet things like, “Thank you, miss, for teaching me today” or “ I had a good time in class tonight, miss”, or “You’re so cool, miss” without fail. Come to think of it, maybe I like teaching for its ego-boosting benefits, who knows? J
Even while teaching, I was nostalgic thinking that I will never have this again. The other night, I was teaching citing conventions, one of the most boring things on earth and they were actually enjoying it. I could see the concentration in their eyes, not glassy zombie looks and they came up to the whiteboard without me twisting their arms. I managed to achieve every English teacher’s Holy Grail—lowering their anxiety towards English and getting them to enjoy the lesson when English is normally seen as a killer subject. I just fell in love with the whole bunch of them in that instant.
This weekend is the graduation weekend and I see my students everywhere—graduating, working at organizing projects like the band competition and helping to direct traffic at the graduation ceremony in the midday sun and I was thinking to myself, “If I had anything at all to do into making them the useful, cheerful, responsible people that I see them developing into, I’m truly blessed.”
It’s like God is testing my resolve by showing me everything that I’m going to miss by choosing to take this new job. It’s like He’s asking me, “Are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure you want to leave this?”
I was in the academic procession for both sessions of convocation today and that is another element that I’m giving up. I will no longer be an academician with all the privileges and esteem that go with it, things that have been a great contributor in shaping my self-concept for nine years—possibly more, since I’ve wanted to become a teacher since forever. This will be the last time that I have the rights to don the academic robes and the mortarboard unless I earn my doctorate.
To answer God’s question, I have not changed my mind. I have great love for not the academic world with all its bullshit but for being a teacher and contributing in shaping a young life and trying to make that life at least better than mine by sharing my passions and experiences and hoping that this charge of mine will take what he or she can to make his or hers a meaningful one. I like to think that I’m trying to make the world a better, tolerant place one student at a time. But it is time to look inward and see if I’m staying a teacher because I was afraid of changes and new challenges or because I truly love it. I know exactly what my life would be like if I stay a teacher. What I do not know is what if I choose another road. Will I able to survive? Am I afraid? I hate to think that I’d stop myself from doing something out of fear. As contrary as I am, if that is indeed the reason, I’d turn around and do the very thing I’m afraid of. That is what I like about myself, and if I don’t know anything about myself, that much I know.
Nevertheless, I was overcome by my emotions and it brought tears to my eyes.
posted by Joy at 1:01 AM
3 Comments:
Hi : )
I feel like I know you. Is it true?
hi alex... :) and shima... you peobably do...hehe
Post a Comment
<< Home