Great Expectations

I’ve lived on this earth for 32 years and the most important thing that I’ve learned in those 32 years is to never depend on anyone but myself for my happiness. I have learned to keep my expectations low, do my level best and be pleasantly surprised if good things happen. When you expect people to fulfill certain needs, you are almost always disappointed. And that is not a good thing.

Do things because you want to and not because you expect something in return. That’s the way to go.

I have been my own company for so long now that I lost sight of my governing principle when I get the response and feedback from people in my life. However, as usual, it never lasts, and I got a bit lost. I’ve had my own thoughts for company and I have always been content with that but we must never forget that people have their own lives to lead and to expect them to entertain us is a one-way ticket toward Disappointment when people don’t give you what you need.

Lately, my thoughts have an audience other than myself and the validation is intoxicating, I must admit, but enough now. This cannot continue because it is not fair to other people and it’s no picnic for me, either. I hate being disappointed and you can only be disappointed when you expect what is not yours to have.

When things seem futile in my life, I’d obsess about it for a while and then, at some point, I’d pack it up in a box and put it away- never think about it again. That is what I have to do again now. Put my dependence in a box and put it away. When you don’t have high expectations, you don’t get disappointed.

I might sound cold and heartless but it is a defense mechanism for me. I am too sensitive to be surrounded by negativity that it might just kill me. People cope in various ways and this is mine and it’s worked like a charm before. For example, I wanted to do my PhD so bad that it hurts and I obsessed about it that Maddie was so afraid that I’d be so disappointed if it didn’t happen. After a while, after I’ve done all I could to make it happen and it didn’t, I put it in a box, put it away and move on. Had I dwelled on it, it would have crushed me that I didn’t get to do my PhD. It did crush me for a while there but I contained it in time that it didn’t kill me.

Be happy with what you have and compare down. If you compare yourself with people who have all that you want, you will never be happy. Someone will always have more than you. Compare yourself instead with people who have less than you and be grateful that you have what you do have instead of coveting what the others have.

“Because you’re half of me my heart still beats,” that’s the line in a song I’ve heard. It’s a beautiful sentiment but what if the other person leaves? Your heart will stop beating? Then what? Die-lah! That’s what you get when you put your happiness in other people. I don’t think so. You should be able to be happy with what and who you are. If someone makes you happier, that’s all well and good but it shouldn’t be the rule. Take that person away, you can’t function and then what good will you be to anyone, even yourself. If you are happy in what and who you are, if the person is there, you’ll be happy because your life is happier with that person in it but if the other person is no longer there, you’ll still be able to live and take pleasure in your life. Granted, it won’t be delirious happiness but you will be ok because you like what you see in yourself. What and who you are honor you and not shame you. It can’t get any better than that. The worse thing is to look in the mirror and not like what you see.

Sandcastle

Wide open and vulnerable

open to the waves that come

the swell and fall

of extreme nature

Build stronger walls

before the fragile sandcastle

washes away in the demanding tides

Devour and leave behind

emptiness

Stories

put away the stories

tuck them deep inside

and keep them safe

before the world sees them

and they float away

never to be seen again

leaving behind

bits and pieces