Ranch!!!

I like my housemate but she's my biggest problem right now.

On Wednesday last week, I got a phone call from home and I was talking to my mom. The first time I really talked to her since I've been here. I was telling her about my life here etc. Before this there were only hurried calls because the time was never right for a long extended chat. In my defense, I wasn't even talking all that loudly. I talked to my friends outside the front door on the steps but since my mom called unexpectedly, I took the call in my room. I was talking quietly when suddenly there was a knock on my door and it was M telling me to keep it down. I mean as much as I love my friends, I wouldn't be too offended if I was told that when I was talking to them but this is my mom. It was like she pushed the hot button but I didn't say anything. I just got off the phone straightaway. I was thinking then that I cannot face that for the next four years. No way. So that straightaway made me not want to live there anymore. My family will call me at all hours of the night. I cannot receive calls during the day anyway since even receiving calls here incur the phone charges and this is actually my friend's phone that he lets me use since he's living overseas now, he is paying my phone bills. The least I can do is keep it low. So I talk to people back home at night.

So, I'm in a big bowl of ranch (read: drama) right now. So, I've been thinking the whole weekend about my rooming situation and with M and the boys in Austin last weekend, I didn't see her since Thursday. She came back on Sunday night and everything was fine and life went on like normal for me. I kinda got over my snit. I had a presentation to prepare for on Tuesday so I was basically working the whole time and I mean the whole time. My most productive time has always been at night anyway, so I have been having late nights since school has started to turn on the pressure on me. Come Monday night, she turned to me and said, "I need to talk to you about the nocturnal behavior." So I listened ( a clear case of "Romans, lend me your ears" for sure.) It turned out that she has problems with my night activities. She said that my moving around was disturbing her sleep, the light at the deck that I turned on to go out was keeping her awake, I close my door too loudly at night and she can't go back to sleep and that it has made her tired at work during the day.

So I just said to her, as nicely as I can, that it seems like we have an issue stemming from lifestyle differences. I will still get calls in the middle of the night since Malaysia is directly on the other side of the world, I would still be working in the middle of the night, I would still moving around in the middle of the night and since it's Ramadan, I'd still be preparing my meals in the middle of the night- which I have ceased doing actually when I remember that she's sleeping. So I have been going without the sahur for a while now which is ok since I'm not a big fan of sahur. Anyway, I told her that it might be best if I move out at the end of my lease. I don't think I'll still be sane if I had to drastically change my ways and that I'll have to tiptoe around for the next four years. I told her that because she broached the subject and I think that it's only fair to let her know as soon as possible so that she will have time to get a new tenant if she wants.

Her face changed when I said that and she said that it's a little drastic but if that's what I want, she's ok with it. So I asked her what would she have me do that isn't drastic. She said that I can take my phone calls in the front room or the front stoop if I have to make phone calls (which I do most of the time- like the time I was talking to my friends before) and that I should shut my door softly and that I can put my phone on vibrate since I'm up anyway. Alternatively, I can make my phone calls in the morning which means that people at home are still awake that time of the night- which is actually magrib time when people don't make phone calls at least not at my house. And that all my calls should come to my cell phone since the house phone is in her room. All I'm hearing is that the changes are all on me and that it's very clear about our little power structure. I am too old and I've been through a lot. I haven't been through all that I have just to be the lowest rung of the totem pole. It's one thing to dictate to me but it's another thing to make me tell my mom that she cannot call me at a time which is convenient to her because my roommate doesn't appreciate me getting calls then. That just made me want to not have anything to do with her anymore. I didn't tell her that of course but I did tell her about how it seems like I'd be doing all the changes and I said that that kind of thing can lead to resentment. If I don't change she'd resent me and if I change I'd resent her and so in order for us to stay friends, it'll be healthier if I moved out. She said that all the other grad students that she had living with her (only one actually before me) treated it like a job not like what I am doing. And I said that I'm sorry but it's just the way I operate. I have never gone to bed at a decent hour even when I was working a regular job. How else did she think that I called her from Malaysia at a decent hour for her before coming here.

She asked if I'd started looking around. I said not really, because I wanted to talk to her about it first. Actually, I did ask my friends how much they are paying for their apartments but other than that, I haven't really been looking. She says that she doesn't have any problem if I want to move out and if I think that's best for me but she still expects me to pay the rent and half the utilities until December. I said that since I cannot afford two places, I'd have to stay here until December. To me though, just knowing there's an end in sight, I think I can temporarily change my ways for the next 3 months. I told her that I would be mindful for the next 3 months of her needs. And I will try my hardest.

So that was on Monday night and I thought that we are cool. When I got home on Tuesday night, she didn't come home which got me worried. She goes to bed early and she has never, in the two months that I've been here, sleep over somewhere on a weeknight. So she called me at around 10 and said that she's spending the night at this guy she's been dating's place and she asked me to feed her cats. Ok, fine. And tonight, she's still not sleeping here. Even on weekends, she would always come back home to feed her cats, spend time with them etc. The guy she's seeing gets a bit crowded when she stays too long. I can't help but think that she's avoiding me because she has never done this before. I just hope that it's just her needing some space and will be ok soon. I cannot think of a bigger bowl of ranch than having to deal with this thing for the next 3 months. It's just not cool you know. I'm cool with her and I didn't take it personally when she started listing things that she wanted me to change. I just take it as a difference in lifestyles , you know. And the best thing to do in order to get beyond that is for me to move out and there shouldn't any hard feelings on either sides. At least not on my side.

What wouldn't I give for my own space right now! I mean even without all this ranch, I still feel like I've been walking on eggshells. I have been trying hard not to disturb her when I stay up at night and I've been wearing headphones when I work on my computer. It's not like I haven't tried to be thoughtful you know. Sometimes I'm just not mindful enough and it has been tiring. What in the world made me think that I can have a roommate after living on my own for years and years? I'm too damn old to have roommates- that's what I found. At least I learned another thing about myself- you learn something everyday. I was in the zone studying the other day and it was so irritating having to get up every 5 minutes to go to my room for something that I need because I study at the kitchen table and when she came back, I felt compelled to stop and clear the table and lug all my books and everything to my room so that it won't be too messy and that just threw me off my groove. For that alone, I'd pay serious money to have my own space. I just see the extra expenses is justified- it's an investment for my studies.

On another front, I just had my first exam in the American education system today (Wednesday)- an oral exam for midterm to be exact. My first ever oral exam in my whole life (excluding SPM English oral and BM lisan...), to tell you the truth. I'm happy to report that although I didn't exactly rock it- I don't think-, I think I passed. Yay!!! I did a two-book-8-chapter presentation by myself on Tuesday and I think I passed too. Double Yay!! I don't know why I freaked out over a 2-chapter presentation the first time. I think I'm getting used to the workload or simply that I've gotten into the mindset for fulltime study. I hope so. Next week I'll be writing my first ever book review. I can't wait.

So people, that's the life and times of me. Hope that I haven't bored you to tears. Tell me about you so that I don't feel like such a bitch talking about me, myself and I.