nitpicking

Creative Commons Licence

2009-07-23T18:11:00.003+08:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/camplone/ / CC BY 2.0

Songbird

2008-07-07T14:49:00.003+08:00

I just found a gem of a song that I love very much. I love it so much that I decided to butcher it on YouTube. If you like it, click the title of this post to go to the original version by Eva Cassidy.

Umbrella by Mandy Moore untuk Ipah...

2008-06-10T12:50:00.000+08:00

On a good day...

2008-06-04T16:56:00.002+08:00

On a good day, this is my anthem. On any day other than today, really ;)

My Way by Frank Sinatra
And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life thats full.
I've traveled each and every highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

2008-06-04T16:45:00.002+08:00

I don't know why but I feel desperately homesick tonight. Usually it comes and goes but tonight it came and stayed. I can't really put my finger on what I'm homesick about. My sisters and my family, my friends, my home, my things around me, the familiar sights, sounds and smells or probably the combination of it all. I have built a good life for myself back home. Not the most exciting one or even a good one for most people's standards, perhaps, but dear and familiar to me all the same. I think the weather has something to do with it as well. It feels so much like home. The warmth of the wind blowing through the trees feels hauntingly familiar on my skin but everything else seems so wrong. I feel so out of place that it blows my mind.

My life has always been about service but I feel useless here. All this time I'm here, it's like playing catch-up with my studies so I never really have any time to really feel the absence of the familiar. I was too caught up in my studies to feel that I'm missing anything other than the occasional moments of weakness. Now with the summer vacation here, I've too much time on my hands bringing with it unwelcome thoughts and emotions. It hits me like a ton of bricks that I am actually alone here. I am usually alone and it has always been by choice and I am never lonely as I do enjoy my own company but tonight I feel totally alone and lonely. I have no one here. And that is really sad.

What do I want actually? I don't rightly know. I never really fit in when I was in Malaysia and I don't really fit in here either. Oh yes, it does seem that I fit in all right here or back home- or at least I make it looks like I do- but not really. Not where it really counts. Thirty-four seems to be a ripe old age to be wondering the "where do I belong" question but I'm not really surprised. I've been dealing with it for a long time now and have come up with different answers every time. Not only that, I'm a late bloomer anyway and things always come late to me and for me. No use in fighting that there, it is what it is.

I'm tired but I can't seem to sleep. I did three loads of laundry at 2 am tonight. I've been trying to go to bed since 11 pm. I'd gotten in and out of bed more times than I can't count now. So now what? I don't know. I feel like taking a long drive and not come back for a long time.... You know what? Maybe I'll do just that. I've never seen Austin before. Maybe tonight is a good time to do just that. Or maybe I can drive down to Galveston and see the sun rises over the sea.

Lake Livingston

2008-05-15T08:54:00.006+08:00

I just came back from Lake Livingston. My friend Beth's in-laws have a lake house that they let us use so we went up there yesterday morning and came back today. It was really good to get out of my apartment after being under house arrest for more than two weeks.

The lake from the back balcony of the house.

The lake from the front balcony of the house...

Kylene and Joy in her cute hat...

Kristin, Joy and Beth the Benefactor:) :)

Joy is chillin' on the dock... still in her cute hat...

Joy's first attempt to swing on the rope... She plops and makes a big splash!!!

This is how you are supposed to do it... Kristin in her California surfer pose...

It's thunder and lightning and Joy is very scared... She is experiencing her first tornado watch... Look at the sky... Ain't it dark and menacing?

Department of Communication Graduate Award Ceremony '08

2008-05-12T12:45:00.006+08:00

Basically these are the people in my life now. They are my cohort at school and we are tight-- counting on each other to make it through to the finish line. These pictures were taken at the Graduate Award Ceremony held at the Graduate Director's home. The first thing that the admin staff told us during our orientation was, "If a professor asks you to go to their home, you go... even if you felt like dying." I was so tired after weeks of paper writing and exams and not enough sleep but as the staff said, "When they call, you go. No question asked!" I was dead on my feet that day.... although I look gorgeous as usual ;) .

From left to right: Kylene Baker, Moi, Laura Brown and Katy Head. Kylene is one of my best friends here.. She has me over to her place all the time and we just hang out and watch TV at her place. She doesn't want me to get cable because she said, "If you have cable, you won't come over to our place anymore because you can watch cable at home! No you are not allowed to get cable.." hahahah...

I call Laura "Lown" the abbreviation of her name Laura Brown. I came up with that because in the first weeks of school, she decided to call me "Nisie" and now she doesn't call me anything but that. And I think that she's the only one who calls me that and I think that Lown is catching up with a lot of people now... Yay me! Giving people names...

The cleverest and nicest and kindest and prettiest girl I've seen in my life. She just turned 21 and is in the graduate program with me. We call her "Skorn" Such a badass name for such a sweet girl. I just finished writing a paper literally an hour before these pictures were taken. Notice the shadows and the bags under the eyes. I've routinely woken up at 5AM and gone to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning. Summer is here and I'm SO going to sleep for a month. I'm not taking any summer classes this summer, well, at least not in Summer I (May), perhaps Summer II (July) if I get too bored:D.

A sweet sweet Texas girl with the real Texas accent:D. "Y'all are fixin' to go home now?"... In Texas-speak, at least in College Station, when you're going to do something, you are fixin' to do something. "I'm fixin' to write that Dorsey's dratted rhetoric paper tonite." Like that:) She promised me that she'd take me to Jewett, her hometown about an hour north of College Station so that I can ride her horse. She was the valedictorian in her undergrad class... Very, very smart!

My Bollywood moment... courtesy of my training at TESL. By the time we graduated, we TESLians KNOW how to pose for a picture. I don't wear make up nowadays... what you see is what you get and a lot of people back home commented how dark I've become. Well, yeah, of course I get dark because I'm out in the sun a lot. Walking to class for ten minutes, at least, one way. When I was in Malaysia, it was... walk twenty steps to the car from my apartment, drive over to school, walk another twenty steps to the office building, not seeing the sun until I leave home in the evening. My friends here kept saying that I look a lot lighter in Malaysia too, that they can't believe it's me in my Malaysian pictures.. so the consensus is: living in the US has darkened my skin. That's Texas sun for ya...

A Stalker's Anthem

2008-05-12T12:29:00.002+08:00

I want you by Elvis Costello

Oh my baby baby I love you more than I can tell
I don't think I can live without you
And I know that I never will
Oh my baby baby I want you so it scares me to death
I can't say anymore than "I love you"
Everything else is a waste of breath

I want you
You've had your fun you don't get well no more
I want you
Your fingernails go dragging down the wall
Be careful darling you might fall
I want you
I woke up and one of us was crying
I want you
You said "Young man I do believe you're dying"
I want you
If you need a second opinion as you seem to do these days
I want you
You can look in my eyes and you can count the ways
I want you
Did you mean to tell me but seem to forget
I want you
Since when were you so generous and inarticulate
I want you
It's the stupid details that my heart is breaking for
It's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for
I want you
it's knowing that he knows you now after only guessing
It's the thought of him undressing you or you undressing
I want you
He tossed some tatty compliment your way
I want you
And you were fool enough to love it when he said
"I want you"
I want you
The truth can't hurt you it's just like the dark
It scares you witless
But in time you see things clear and stark
I want you
Go on and hurt me then we'll let it drop
I want you
I'm afraid I won't know where to stop
I want you
I'm not ashamed to say I cried for you
I want you
I want to know the things you did that we do too
I want you
I want to hear he pleases you more than I do
I want you
I might as well be useless for all it means to you
I want you
Did you call his name out as he held you down
I want you
Oh no my darling not with that clown
I want you
I want you
You've had your fun you don't get well no more
I want you
No-one who wants you could want you more
I want you
I want you
I want you
Every night when I go off to bed and when I wake up
I want you
I'm going to say it once again 'til I instill it
I know I'm going to feel this way until you kill it
I want you
I want you
I want you

Fiona Apple... my new discovery

2008-05-08T14:16:00.002+08:00

Doesn't that just bring chills down your spine?...

Baby got back...

2008-05-07T00:48:00.004+08:00

Jonathan Coulton's version

Sir Mix-a-Lot

Wierd Al Yankovich

ROLLING ON TH FLOOR LAUGHING MY ASS OFF!!!!!!

The Meaning of "We Bleed Maroon"

2008-05-06T23:06:00.004+08:00

This one is especially for Nicky.... What the heck do all the references mean? I'll try my best to explain...

Texas A&M students are called Aggies which is a shortening of part of the University's name Texas Agricultural and Machinery (A&M) University. Aggieland is the University and the twin towns surrounding it (Bryan/College Station).

There's a place in my heart,
A spirit ne'er be told,
A little town on the Brazos
A little ring made of gold,
I carry it with me, wherever I go.
Just to remember the times.

"A spirit ne'er be told" is the spirit of Aggieland. The spirit of solidarity of past, present and future students, spirit of engagement and community, and not unlike the TESL Power spirit on steroid. Brazos is the name of the river on which Aggieland is situated. The ring is of course the Aggie ring. Here they say, once an Aggie, always an Aggie and the times you have here, you'll remember forever.

We learned some from books.
And a whole lot from livin'
And we etched our names on the wood
at the Chicken.
I still hear the sound of spurs on the concrete
and that ol' train whistle blowing through the trees.

The Chicken is a bar/restaurant (Dixie Chicken) where students etch their names on the furniture. I was wondering why they'd let the students do this but it actually becomes a part of the ambience. A&M used to be a military college, not unlike RMC, and a lot of the traditions come from there. Even though it's not a military college anymore, we have the largest number of Corps of Cadet around and the Senior Cadets can be distinguished by the tall boots that they wear. This being Texas, sometimes they wear spurs and when they walk, the spurs will jingle everytime they hit the concrete. There's a train track that runs straight through Bryan/College Station (BCS) and we hear it all the time. At first it keeps you awake but as time goes by, it just becomes a part of your background sounds that tells you that you are in Aggieland.

So put a penny on ol' Sully,
And wish me some luck.
And yell "Farmer's fight!"
when our boys are backed up.
Throw your arms around each other
and sing Hullabaloo.
'Cause that's what we do when we bleed maroon.

Sully is a a bronze statue of Lawrence Sullivan Ross, a former president of the University. Students put pennies at the statue for good luck. "Farmer's fight" is a yell to encourage the players when things get tight because farmer used to be A&M mascot.. Kinda like "TESL Power!" Hullabaloo is part of the Aggie War Hymn... a song sung before every game. There's one part where the audience would put their arms around each other and sway...

Midnight at Duncan
They still light the torches,
And Reveille still barks at the Cav on their horses.
I've seen 80,000 to the power of 12.
It doesn't matter who comes to town,
we still give them hell.

Reveille is the mascot of A&M and the80,000 is the number of people at Kyle Field during a football game all wearing maroon the official color of A&M. The power of twelve is the spirit of solidarity (12th Man) which is why they are there supporting the team.

And I was there at the stack on November 18th.
With logs on the ground I fell down on my knees.
But we would not forget the 12 that we lost.
So we carved their names right there on the rock.

November 18, 1999 was the last university-sanctioned Bonfire where the stack collapsed injuring 27 and killing 12 people. It was a bad time for Aggies and they built a Bonfire Memorial to commemorate those who died.

So put a penny on ol' Sully,
And wish me some luck.
And yell farmers fight
when our boys are backed up.
Throw your arms around each other
and sing Hullabaloo.
'Cause that's what we do when we bleed maroon.

And there late at night if I listen real close,
The spirit still whispers through the crooked live oaks.
And I hear my father and his dad before,
and all those brave Aggies that never came back from war.

There are a lot of oak trees at A&M and one particular one, my favorite is an old oak tree called the Century Oak. It's huge and amazing... a lot of marriage proposals took place there.

So put a penny on ol' Sully,
And wish me some luck.
And yell "Farmers fight!"
when our boys are backed up.
Throw your arms around each other
and sing Hullabaloo.
'Cause that's what we do when we bleed maroon.

And say 'here' for me at muster when my time comes too.
'cause that's what we do when we bleed maroon.
Yeah, that's what we do when we bleed maroon...

Muster is a ceremony on April 21 at A&M where they remember all the Aggies that have passed in the year. If an Aggie dies since the last Muster, a relative or friend will answer "Here" for him/her on his/her behalf when his/her name is called. It is also a date for a reunion with other Aggies if they can't make it back to Aggieland for Muster. They would come together and reminisce of their time at A&M.

Hope that helps... By the way, great job on the new blog... it's bookmarked on my browser:)

Aggie Muster

"Softly call the Muster, let comrade answer 'Here'..."

Aggies gathered together on June 26,1883 to live over again their college days, the victories and defeats won and lost upon the drill field and in the classroom. By April 21, 1903, this annual gathering evolved into a celebration of Texas' Independence on San Jacinto Day. These early meetings included field games and banquets for Aggies to reflect and celebrate their memories of Aggieland. 'Let every alumni answer a roll call' wrote the former students. It was not until 1922, however, that April 21 became the official day of events for all Aggies, thus, the annual tradition of Muster was born. The March 1923 Texas Aggie urged, 'If there is an A&M man in one-hundred miles of you, you are expected to get together, eat a little, and live over the days you spent at the A&M College of Texas.

Still remembering and honoring the time spent in Aggieland, the tradition of mustering has grown in strength, meaning, and spirit. By 1929, meeting had grown worldwide, and in 1942 Aggie Muster gained international recognition. Twenty-five men, led by General George Moore '08, mustered during the Japanese Siege of the Philippine island of Corregidor. Knowing that Muster might soon be called for them, these Aggies embodied the essence of commitment, dedication, and friendship- the Aggie Spirit. They risked their lives to honor their beliefs and values. That small group of Aggies on an outpost during World War II inspired what has developed into one of our greatest traditions.

Muster is celebrated in more than four-hundred places world wide, with the largest ceremony on the Texas A&M campus in College Station. The ceremony brings together more Aggies, worldwide, on one occasion than any other event.

The students of Texas A&M University coordinate the Campus Muster. Because Muster was established to bring Aggies together, each Campus Muster is dedicated to the fifty-year reunion class. The Campus Muster involves an entire day of activities for students both present and past. Alumni enjoy a special program including tours of the ever-changing campus. At noon, all Aggies congregate at the Academic Plaza for the Camaraderie Barbecue that rekindles the tradition of the original Muster celebration. That night, the Muster ceremony consists of an address by a keynote speaker, the reading of poems, followed by the Roll Call for the Absent. The Roll Call honors Aggies that have fallen since the last Muster roll was read. As the names are read, a friend or family member answers 'Here', and a candle is lit to symbolize that while those Aggies are not present in body, they will forever remain with us in Aggie Spirit.

Century-old roots provide the basis of Muster as Aggies know it today. It has changed, yet the Spirit in which it was established remains the same. Since the beginning, every Aggie has lived and become a part of the Aggie Spirit. What is felt today is not just the love of a fellow Aggie, it is the spirit of hundreds of thousands of Aggies who have gone before. Muster is how that Spirit is remembered and will continue to unite Texas A&M and the Aggie family. A&M may change, but the Spirit never will.

http://aggietraditions.tamu.edu/muster.shtml

We Bleed Maroon.... Gig 'em, Aggies!!!

2008-05-05T08:02:00.002+08:00

Texas A&M is rich in tradition and I've never seen anything like it before... When they say Aggie Family, they really mean it. There will always be at least one tradition that would resonate in your heart when you are an Aggie even when you think the whole bunch of them are stupid. Mine is the Aggie ring and the 12th Man. The Aggie ring is a ring that symbolizes all the hard work that you have put into your studies. You are only eligible to wear once you filled the degree requirements. I am one year away from my Aggie ring. It has your class year and your name engraved on it and it's yours...

One of the greatest moments in the life of any Aggie is the day that they receive their Aggie Ring. This moment began with the Class of 1889. The original ring is very different from the ring worn today. At that time several companies made several different versions of the Aggie Ring. It wasn't until E.C. Jonas, class of 1894, designed a ring for his class that the ring we know today came into existence. It has remained exactly as Jonas designed it, with one exception; in 1963 the Legislature of the State of Texas changed the university's name from the Agricultural and Mechanical College of Texas to Texas A&M University, and the name on the ring was changed accordingly.

The ring worn by all Aggie graduates is the same except for the class year. This serves as a common link for former students. When an Aggie sees the ring on another Aggie's hand, a spontaneous reunion occurs.

The Aggie Ring is one of the most symbolic of our traditions. Everything seen on the ring represents a value that an Aggie should hold. On the top is a large shield, which symbolizes the desire to protect the reputation of the university. The 13 stripes on the shield represent the 13 original states of America. The five stars on the shield refer to the phases of development of any Aggie: mind or intellect; body; spiritual attainment; emotional poise; and integrity of character. The eagle symbolizes agility and power, and the ability to reach great heights.

The large star on the side of the ring symbolizes the Seal of Texas. The five-pointed star is encircled with a wreath of olive and laurel leaves symbolizing achievement and a desire for peace. The live oak leaves symbolize the strength to fight for our country and our state. The leaves are joined at the bottom by an encircling ribbon to show the necessity of joining these two traits to accomplish one's ambition to serve.

An ancient cannon, a saber, and a rifle are on the other side of the ring and symbolize how citizens of Texas fought for their land and are determined to defend it. The saber stands for valor and confidence, while the rifle and cannon stand for a preparedness and defense. The crossed flags of the United States and Texas recognize an Aggie's dual allegiance to both nation and state.

Traditionally, students wear their ring with the class year facing them to signify the fact that their time at A&M is not yet complete. During Senior Weekend at the annual Ring Dance, the student's ring is turned around to face the world proudly, just as the Aggie graduate will be ready to face the world.

The 12th Man is about being ready to be called on for service and being trustworthy and dependable to give 110 percent in what you do. It started with Football of course but it's applicable to life... Who can argue with that. Below is an excerpt of what it means... from the TAMU Tradition site. http://aggietraditions.tamu.edu/12thman.shtml and http://aggietraditions.tamu.edu/aggiering.shtml

The tradition of the Twelfth Man was born on the second of January 1922, when an underdog Aggie team was playing Centre College, then the nation's top ranked team. As the hard fought game wore on, and the Aggies dug deeply into their limited reserves, Coach Dana X. Bible remembered a squad man who was not in uniform. He had been up in the press box helping reporters identify players. His name was E. King Gill, and was a former football player who was only playing basketball. Gill was called from the stands, suited up, and stood ready throughout the rest of the game, which A&M finally won 22-14. When the game ended, E. King Gill was the only man left standing on the sidelines for the Aggies. Gill later said, "I wish I could say that I went in and ran for the winning touchdown, but I did not. I simply stood by in case my team needed me."

This gesture was more than enough for the Aggie Team. Although Gill did not play in the game, he had accepted the call to help his team. He came to be thought of as the Twelfth Man because he stood ready for duty in the event that the eleven men on the gridiron needed assistance. That spirit of readiness for service, desire to support, and enthusiasm helped kindle a flame of devotion among the entire student body; a spirit that has grown vigorously throughout the years. The entire student body at A&M is the Twelfth Man, and they stand during the entire game to show their support. The 12th Man is always in the stands waiting to be called upon if they are needed.

It took a whole year for me to appreciate being an Aggie.. I thought they were just crazy at first... :D

Ryan's Bid

2008-01-22T14:26:00.000+08:00

In response to my friends back in Malaysia who wants to know what I'm up to... this was last semester:):)

Part 1

Part 2

Good morning

2007-11-26T08:15:00.000+08:00

for kepips....

Thanksgiving 2007

2007-11-26T07:44:00.000+08:00

Nicki and I did the thanksgiving wishbone thing....

Ranch!!!

2007-09-27T15:26:00.000+08:00

I like my housemate but she's my biggest problem right now.

On Wednesday last week, I got a phone call from home and I was talking to my mom. The first time I really talked to her since I've been here. I was telling her about my life here etc. Before this there were only hurried calls because the time was never right for a long extended chat. In my defense, I wasn't even talking all that loudly. I talked to my friends outside the front door on the steps but since my mom called unexpectedly, I took the call in my room. I was talking quietly when suddenly there was a knock on my door and it was M telling me to keep it down. I mean as much as I love my friends, I wouldn't be too offended if I was told that when I was talking to them but this is my mom. It was like she pushed the hot button but I didn't say anything. I just got off the phone straightaway. I was thinking then that I cannot face that for the next four years. No way. So that straightaway made me not want to live there anymore. My family will call me at all hours of the night. I cannot receive calls during the day anyway since even receiving calls here incur the phone charges and this is actually my friend's phone that he lets me use since he's living overseas now, he is paying my phone bills. The least I can do is keep it low. So I talk to people back home at night.

So, I'm in a big bowl of ranch (read: drama) right now. So, I've been thinking the whole weekend about my rooming situation and with M and the boys in Austin last weekend, I didn't see her since Thursday. She came back on Sunday night and everything was fine and life went on like normal for me. I kinda got over my snit. I had a presentation to prepare for on Tuesday so I was basically working the whole time and I mean the whole time. My most productive time has always been at night anyway, so I have been having late nights since school has started to turn on the pressure on me. Come Monday night, she turned to me and said, "I need to talk to you about the nocturnal behavior." So I listened ( a clear case of "Romans, lend me your ears" for sure.) It turned out that she has problems with my night activities. She said that my moving around was disturbing her sleep, the light at the deck that I turned on to go out was keeping her awake, I close my door too loudly at night and she can't go back to sleep and that it has made her tired at work during the day.

So I just said to her, as nicely as I can, that it seems like we have an issue stemming from lifestyle differences. I will still get calls in the middle of the night since Malaysia is directly on the other side of the world, I would still be working in the middle of the night, I would still moving around in the middle of the night and since it's Ramadan, I'd still be preparing my meals in the middle of the night- which I have ceased doing actually when I remember that she's sleeping. So I have been going without the sahur for a while now which is ok since I'm not a big fan of sahur. Anyway, I told her that it might be best if I move out at the end of my lease. I don't think I'll still be sane if I had to drastically change my ways and that I'll have to tiptoe around for the next four years. I told her that because she broached the subject and I think that it's only fair to let her know as soon as possible so that she will have time to get a new tenant if she wants.

Her face changed when I said that and she said that it's a little drastic but if that's what I want, she's ok with it. So I asked her what would she have me do that isn't drastic. She said that I can take my phone calls in the front room or the front stoop if I have to make phone calls (which I do most of the time- like the time I was talking to my friends before) and that I should shut my door softly and that I can put my phone on vibrate since I'm up anyway. Alternatively, I can make my phone calls in the morning which means that people at home are still awake that time of the night- which is actually magrib time when people don't make phone calls at least not at my house. And that all my calls should come to my cell phone since the house phone is in her room. All I'm hearing is that the changes are all on me and that it's very clear about our little power structure. I am too old and I've been through a lot. I haven't been through all that I have just to be the lowest rung of the totem pole. It's one thing to dictate to me but it's another thing to make me tell my mom that she cannot call me at a time which is convenient to her because my roommate doesn't appreciate me getting calls then. That just made me want to not have anything to do with her anymore. I didn't tell her that of course but I did tell her about how it seems like I'd be doing all the changes and I said that that kind of thing can lead to resentment. If I don't change she'd resent me and if I change I'd resent her and so in order for us to stay friends, it'll be healthier if I moved out. She said that all the other grad students that she had living with her (only one actually before me) treated it like a job not like what I am doing. And I said that I'm sorry but it's just the way I operate. I have never gone to bed at a decent hour even when I was working a regular job. How else did she think that I called her from Malaysia at a decent hour for her before coming here.

She asked if I'd started looking around. I said not really, because I wanted to talk to her about it first. Actually, I did ask my friends how much they are paying for their apartments but other than that, I haven't really been looking. She says that she doesn't have any problem if I want to move out and if I think that's best for me but she still expects me to pay the rent and half the utilities until December. I said that since I cannot afford two places, I'd have to stay here until December. To me though, just knowing there's an end in sight, I think I can temporarily change my ways for the next 3 months. I told her that I would be mindful for the next 3 months of her needs. And I will try my hardest.

So that was on Monday night and I thought that we are cool. When I got home on Tuesday night, she didn't come home which got me worried. She goes to bed early and she has never, in the two months that I've been here, sleep over somewhere on a weeknight. So she called me at around 10 and said that she's spending the night at this guy she's been dating's place and she asked me to feed her cats. Ok, fine. And tonight, she's still not sleeping here. Even on weekends, she would always come back home to feed her cats, spend time with them etc. The guy she's seeing gets a bit crowded when she stays too long. I can't help but think that she's avoiding me because she has never done this before. I just hope that it's just her needing some space and will be ok soon. I cannot think of a bigger bowl of ranch than having to deal with this thing for the next 3 months. It's just not cool you know. I'm cool with her and I didn't take it personally when she started listing things that she wanted me to change. I just take it as a difference in lifestyles , you know. And the best thing to do in order to get beyond that is for me to move out and there shouldn't any hard feelings on either sides. At least not on my side.

What wouldn't I give for my own space right now! I mean even without all this ranch, I still feel like I've been walking on eggshells. I have been trying hard not to disturb her when I stay up at night and I've been wearing headphones when I work on my computer. It's not like I haven't tried to be thoughtful you know. Sometimes I'm just not mindful enough and it has been tiring. What in the world made me think that I can have a roommate after living on my own for years and years? I'm too damn old to have roommates- that's what I found. At least I learned another thing about myself- you learn something everyday. I was in the zone studying the other day and it was so irritating having to get up every 5 minutes to go to my room for something that I need because I study at the kitchen table and when she came back, I felt compelled to stop and clear the table and lug all my books and everything to my room so that it won't be too messy and that just threw me off my groove. For that alone, I'd pay serious money to have my own space. I just see the extra expenses is justified- it's an investment for my studies.

On another front, I just had my first exam in the American education system today (Wednesday)- an oral exam for midterm to be exact. My first ever oral exam in my whole life (excluding SPM English oral and BM lisan...), to tell you the truth. I'm happy to report that although I didn't exactly rock it- I don't think-, I think I passed. Yay!!! I did a two-book-8-chapter presentation by myself on Tuesday and I think I passed too. Double Yay!! I don't know why I freaked out over a 2-chapter presentation the first time. I think I'm getting used to the workload or simply that I've gotten into the mindset for fulltime study. I hope so. Next week I'll be writing my first ever book review. I can't wait.

So people, that's the life and times of me. Hope that I haven't bored you to tears. Tell me about you so that I don't feel like such a bitch talking about me, myself and I.

A Good Day

2007-09-25T10:47:00.000+08:00

My friend sent this picture from Japan and it just suits my mood today.

Today has been a very fruitful day. I started working full-bore on my presentation tomorrow and at first it felt so unmanageable. I have to present 7 chapters from two different books in one 15 minute presentation. I'm sure I'll overshoot the mark several times but what the heck. I'm sure my professor would rather me give a somewhat in-depth presentation than a superficial one. Nonetheless, I shall check with him to see if I can go beyond the 15 minute mark.

I started working at the presentation since 9 this morning and I've been at it for close to 12 hours with 15-20 minute breaks here and there. It's more than the first presentation (that one saw 2 people looking at 3 chapters) but I'm confident that it'll be ok. It's not finished by a long shot but I pretty much know what to do and what to include.

It has taken me 2 months to get into the habit of studying. It's not just the studying- it's more than that. It involves getting into the habit of thinking differently and looking at things differently as well.

I'm happy though- although I have on average 600 pages to read every week. It's not too bad. I like reading anyway so it's all good.

I'm currently wrestling with The Information Society: An Introduction (here) by Armand Mattelart and Tendencies and Tensions of the Information Age: The Production and Distribution of Information in the United States (here) by Jorge Reina Schement and Terry Curtis.

Grey's Anatomy!!

2007-09-21T15:44:00.000+08:00

WOOHOO!!! IT'S GOING TO START NEXT WEEK!!!

Yippee...

meanwhile................

Did I tell you that it's starting next week?!!

New look...

2007-09-21T15:18:00.000+08:00

This is how I look like nowadays.... well, not really actually, this is how I looked like two weeks ago. I dyed my hair black 2 days ago because my highlights were getting to be really sad looking. About 6 inches from my roots... It looks like I'm wearing a hairpiece (picture below) Misplaced my camera today so I can't show you how I look like with my "natural" hair color. KAK NOORRRRRRRRRRRR HELP!!!!!!!!!!! I miss my hairstylist!!!

Indulge my vainpot-ness for a while.. I'll be all right soon...

First Cut is the Deepest

2007-08-20T05:28:00.000+08:00

For ipah & nic, big james morrison fans

Too Many Angels

2007-08-20T04:10:00.000+08:00

Here's another song of Jackson Browne's that I loved way back then. What a voice, what depth... Sadness can be beautiful too...

There's an angel on a ribbon
Hanging from the armoire door
There's a cupid with his feet crossed
On the bird cage by the door
There's a baby angel drummer
His eyes are open wide
And two more tiny cherubs
On the mantle side by side
Too many angels
Have seen me crying
Too many angels
Have heard you lying

There are photographs of children
All in their silver frames
On the window sills and tabletops
Lit by candle flames
And upon their angel faces
Life's expectations climb
Where the moment has preserved them
From the ravages of time
Too many angels
Have seen me crying
Too many angels
Have heard you lying

Bring the morning on
Voices sing of day
I want to step out in the morning sun
Through the flood of tears

I want this darkness gone
Your sweet face appears
These apparitions coming one by one
But there's no end in sight
Only the dead of night
And too many angels

Too many angels
Have seen me crying
Too many angels
Have heard you lying
Too many angels

Bring the morning on
Voices sing of day
I want to step out in the morning sun
Through the flood of tears
I want to greet the dawn
Cast away these fears
Forget about the things we could have done
Bring the morning on
Voices sing of day
I want to watch the children as they run
Through the broken years
I want this darkness gone
Your sweet face appears
These apparitions coming one by one
But there's no end in sight
Only the dead of night
And too many angels

Midnight Swim

2007-08-19T13:49:00.000+08:00

I swam at the Portage Lake when the moon was full and had this song playing in my head: Moonshadow by Cat Steven.

Listen to it here

Camping Trip at Lake Seneca

2007-08-19T11:41:00.000+08:00

Before I went to Texas, I had the opportunity to take a utilize my many days of annual leave. So I went to visit my friends in Ohio before school starts because I know once school starts, it will be very hard for me to get away. I don't have a car and the US is not known for its public transportation. I think there is a distinct possibility that I will not leave College Station in the next 4 years. So I managed to go to Ohio and Michigan and a little Canada. Very little actually, just went across the border and turned back around so that I can enter the US on a student visa. Before that I entered on a tourist visa.

Trivia: Lake Seneca is Ohio's third largest lake.

My first fish!!! And I caught it using my friend's son's SpongeBob pole. That was hilarious! Very exciting to say the least. They were surprised when I told them that this was the first time I went fishing. Fishing is generally considered a "boy thing" in Malaysia. So my first fishing experience and my first fish... who'd've thunk it? :)

Jason & Nicki invited me and some friends to go camping at Lake Seneca and we had a lot of fun. A very luxurious kind of camping if you ask me. A camper that sleeps 8 people. So no sleeping under the stars. It's sleeping in an RV under the stars.

These are Jason and Nicki and their son Colson. They introduced me to a game called "Corn Hole". Basically it's an addictive game where the objective is to get little bags of corn into a hole about 30 cm in diameter is cut out of a board measuring 1 meterx 0.5 meter. Quite fun for people with some measure of hand-eye coordination. Since I haven't any of that, luck is the name of the game. Sometimes I got holes in one, sometimes I missed and there are times when I would take someone eyes out and send them running away.

These are my friends Bruce and Emily. We sat around the fire talking the night away with Jason and Nicki. Time for the grown-ups to have fun when the kids are in bed.

This is Lake Portage in Michigan. The good life, man!!! This picture is taken about 10 steps from the house. What is more wonderful than waking up to this in the morning and the phrase "go jump into the lake" is not an insult but an invitation to cool off when the sun gets too hot.

I have been shown extreme kindness and generosity. Nicki and Jason, Emily, Bruce and his family have all opened their homes and hearts to me and invited me in. I feel extremely honored and privileged to have caught a glimpse of their everyday life and culture.

Ok... I'll be honest. The fish is not as big as my face... that's an optical illusion. Real size of fish:

Signing off.... Joy!

Pen Pals Made Real

2007-08-14T00:07:00.000+08:00

I have had internet friends all my life. Well, ever since I discovered the internet anyway. Some are just looking for dates or whatnot when I am more interested in pen friends kind of thing. So when they discovered that I wasn't into dating, and that I actually require them to have actual brain cells between their ears, a lot of them vanished- never to be heard again. It's the legacy of my youth when as a young girl in Kuala Klawang, a really small dot on the Malaysian map whose claim to fame is as the driest spot in Malaysia- it really is! We went without water supply regularly but that is a different story. Anyway, pen friends were my way to improve my English and to catch a glimpse of other people's culture and life. It's a pity that I have lost touch with them.

Anyway, my internet friends do come and go. The ones who stick around have proven their genuine friendship over the years. In my relationship with them, it has never crossed my mind that we would make contact outside the world wide web and that has changed. When I tell them that I'm here in College Station the two that I keep in close contact with through chatting and emails were very excited and welcoming. And I am glad to say that it helps with the homesickness to hear a familiar voice over the phone and a face to match the emails.

One of them, L has been my friend for 8 years now and it is so strangely wonderful to hear his voice over the phone. I knew him since he was doing his undergraduate degree at a non-traditional age of 27 in 1998. I was in awe at how he managed to hold down a full time job and commuting at least an hour each way to school doing double majors of English and Accountancy. I don't know much about Accountancy but having English (the literature, not the language) as a major is to me a full-time job. The background reading alone is one and a half full time job actually. The internet provides us with some measure of anonimity as if the emails you receive came from the veritable fount of binary codes, not like a real person at all. And having been friends for years and years without intending to meet made the conversation almost surreal.

Another friend is relatively new and he is here in College Station. T is one of the most interesting and smartest people I know. Dropping out of high school at 15, lived a few years as a teenager in Italy, played in rock bands and decided at 25 that he wanted to have a graduate degree- so he did an undergraduate degree with double majors of English and History- another one and a half full time job major in terms of reading and now at 33 finishing up his Masters degree. So anyway, he and I have been emailing back and forth regarding how much he cannot stand the small-townness of College Station and what in the world am I doing coming to College Station. Meeting him was like meeting an old friend. Granted it was a first meeting but the comfort level was like we have known each other forever.

So there you have it. The wonders of the internet. I'm sure there are perverts as well but I hope I will not meet any of them in this lifetime.

I'm here!!!!!!!

2007-08-07T05:08:00.000+08:00

Who'd've thunk it??!! I'm right now in College Station, about to embark on a new chapter of my life as a doctoral student at Texas A&M University.

Things have been crazy, lonely and calm here at the same time. The loneliest time of all is at night when I feel extremely alone. It's not just the people because I'm alone at night too in Melaka. It is more the absence of the familiar, in my case. My room here is comfortable enough. It has an attached bathroom all for me and a huge closet... bigger than my bathroom if you can believe it. But it is not mine... not really or not yet anyway. I don't have any sense of belonging attached to them. It feels impersonal and unfamiliar. I miss my pillows, my comforter, my DVDs, my books, my internet connection and my noisy A/C if it makes any sense.

Night time is usually my time to recharge and reflect but I cannot seem to relax since I can't get over the unfamiliarity of my surroundings. Last night was the worst night ever. Not even in the midst of the drama last week did I feel that alone. Was it just last week? It felt like a lifetime ago.

Funnily enough, I don't miss my car... isn't that weird?

Sky Blue and Black

2007-05-26T14:47:00.001+08:00

I rediscovered this song yesterday. It was one of my favorite songs in the 90's and rediscovering it has re-opened old boxes of memories. Well, memories is not the right word. I recall the person I was; my beliefs, my hopes and aspirations, my state of mind then and comparing it to the person I am right now. Have I changed? What are the differences and similarities between who I am now and that girl?

What would I say to that person if I can go back and talk to her?

I looked at what I felt hearing the song then and what I feel now. How the words suddenly mean differently now. And who was it that I was thinking of when I listen to this song and who is it I think about now...

It's really busy because it feels like the floodgates open and I was thinking of so many things at so many levels that it does get overwhelming. So many sensations, so many feelings, so many sensations.

Sky Blue and Black

In the calling out to one another
Of the lovers up and down the strand
In the sound of the waves and the cries
Of the seagulls circling the sand
In the fragments of the songs
Carried down the wind from some radio
In the murmuring of the city in the distance
Ominous and low

I hear the sound of the world where we played
And the far too simple beauty
Of the promises we made

If you ever need holding
Call my name, i'll be there
If you ever need holding
And no holding back, i'll see you through
Sky blue and black

Where the touch of the lover ends
And the soul of the friend begins
There's a need to be separate and a need to be one
And a struggle neither wins
Where you gave me the world i was in
And a place i could make a stand
I could never see how you doubted me
When i'd let go of your hand

Yeah, and i was much younger then
And i must have thought that i would know
If things were going to end

And the heavens were rolling
Like a wheel on a track
And our sky was unfolding
And it'll never fold back
Sky blue and black

And i'd have fought the world for you
If i thought that you wanted me to
Or put aside what was true or untrue
If i'd known that's what you needed
What you needed me to do

But the moment has passed by me now
To have put away my pride
And just come through for you somehow

If you ever need holding
Call my name, i'll be there
If you ever need holding
And no holding back, i'll see you through

You're the color of the sky
Reflected in each store-front window pane
You're the whispering and the sighing
Of my tires in the rain
You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost
In everything i do
Yeah and i'll never stop looking for you
In the sunlight and the shadows
And the faces on the avenue
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
Sky blue and black

-jackson browne-

Have a listen here:

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-05-08T22:52:00.001+08:00

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

INJUSTICE

2007-04-19T14:55:00.000+08:00

I went in for an interview for my PhD scholarship on the 9th of April and felt quite confident. Then, seeing that there were too many candidates from the Center for Languages and Human Development, they have decided to reduce the number. All this week we have been hanging by a thread to see who gets to go and who don't.

All this illustrates to me is how small our worth is compared to the engineering and IT faculties' staff. They were going on and on about why should they send us to do our PhD when you don't need all that much to teach English and other soft skills.

This is the attitude that is ruining our country. They are holding us back based on that alone. Imagine, the government allocate 100 places and they only interviewed 70 odd. Because of our "anak pungut" status compared to the technical faculties' staff, we have been working harder than everyone to ensure that we meet the qualifications. While others can get away with only teaching, we have to beef up our portfolio by writing papers, doing research and consulting in addition to our regular teaching hours. Can you imagine, I am involved in 4-5 research projects, wrote 8-9 published and presented papers while all these "apples of the management eyes" are just coasting by. I ruined my health contributing while the other lecturers from the other faculties were whining about how they had to come to university functions. Just to attend a function is like we are asking them to give up their firstborn or something. We are the minority and when we asked about our career track during our meeting with the Deputy Vice Chancellor of Academic, he said, "Trust us! We will not leave you behind." Yeah, right. For two years we didn't send more than a handful to pursue their studies.

There's no justice in this world and I protest most strenuously.

My Dating Personality

2007-04-17T00:38:00.000+08:00

I took another test and guess what they say about me...

Read My Result
Take the Test

I think the test writers have a point...:) People have always accused me of being selective/picky. Aren't we all to a certain extent? I think being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship is pathetic and hints at a vulnerability and desperation, the "i-dont-care-if-he's-a-troll-as-long-as-he-has-a-pulse" kind, you know? Like you are not worth anything unless you wear the label of "girlfriend".

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)

Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

Your exact opposite:
The Dirty Little Secret

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail.

Lexie

2007-04-09T01:49:00.001+08:00

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-04-09T01:28:00.001+08:00

http://www.myheritage.com

Hilarious, wot?!!

I was tagged ... dammit... :D

2007-04-03T15:52:00.000+08:00

So I was tagged... So I have to tell 6 weird things about myself. As "copy/pasted" from Phyp's blog, here are the rules...

Rules of the game: Each player of this game starts out by telling 6 weird things about themselves on their own blog, as well as state the rules clearly. At the end, you will need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list out their names. After you do that, leave them a comment on their blogs letting them know you tagged them.

Anyway, I think that I've told more than 6 weird things about myself already. But I guess rules are still rules. So here goes:

1. I am very artistic in my head. Meaning? It means that I can paint like the Masters in my head, play the piano like a virtuoso, and sing like the very angel. The reality is not as pretty... I can amaze my 5-year-old niece by drawing a picture of her dad for her to color (although it doesn't remotely resemble the person).

2. I have almost non-existent hand-eye coordination which means that I suck at most sports except for congkak. Hahaha... Is there any pill that I can take that can improve my hand-eye coordination? When I was 14, I tried to play volleyball and sprained my wrist at the very first serve. The upside of it, I didn't have to do any homework for a week...

3. I love to go out dancing with my gay friends. They are sooooo much fun. Not too cool to dance like some people... lol. And they like to teach me all this "stripper moves" lol.

4. Although my sister cons me into driving because she's lazy to drive. I get back at her by having her lead me around while I close my eyes in crowded places like the mall. Crowds make me dizzy.. hehe so she would steer me around. She doesn't let me walk into walls or pillars too much although sometimes she does do it on purpose. kan pah kan? kan? kan? kan?

5. I am hooked on Solitaire now... Seriously hooked. Yup, you heard me right... the humble Solitair. Not even the Vegas version- the stupid card by card version.. hehehe... and I would feel so accomplished. I give myself another month to get bored of it...

6. The last one... yeay... by no means the "last one". I LOVE and I mean !!!LOVE!!!! my bed. I can stay in bed the whole day if the mood strikes me... I'd read, do my work, work on my laptop etc. My BED day is definitely Saturday. Which is incidentally my favorite day of the week. I LOVE Saturdays. I wake up with a smile on Saturdays. My bed boasts the loveliest pillows in the world... cotton filled ones... still soft but not wimpy, y'know. My fluffy comforter all high count 100% cotton. Gorgeous.... creamy white embroidered sheets set... *Sigh... I wanna go home and say 'Hi' to my bed now...

bubbye...

I Don't Understand...

2007-04-03T15:23:00.000+08:00

How come I cannot open my blog??? Why??? Why??? AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh!!!! My computer keeps asking me if I want to save this file.. No I don't... I want to access the darned thing... sheesh!!!

Communication.. communication...

2007-03-07T21:16:00.000+08:00

I've submitted 6 applications to do my doctorate at various American universities and so far, TAMU has welcomed me with open arms, UPenn said that they can't take me and four others are still quiet. I have always wanted to go to OU since I went there as an exchange student eleven years ago. I've actually applied three times. Once directly after I graduated but unfortunately, I was ignorant then, didn't know what to do or how to do it right, so I didn't get in. The second time was when my university let me go on study leave for my master's degree. But that didn't work out either coz my mom wanted me to stay here and get married. So we made a deal, that if I didn't get married by the time I'm due to do my PhD, she would have to let me go. Here I am single still which means that Yay! I get to do my doctorate wherever I want and she can't stop me this time. So I've been working my tail off since July last year working on my applications. The GRE, TOEFL and TSE to take etc and that took a LOT of money. I think I've spent close to 5 grand on everything, from passport to exams to postage.

I'm very happy to report that Texas A&M has offered me a place although my heart is set on OU but still I've started my preparation for my departure in August, Insyaallah. Everything is going along swimmingly except that I'm having a minor meltdown:). I've emailed all four remaining universities asking them if I am accepted because if I'm not, I'll just go to Texas A&M. All of them except for OU have replied. Is that a sign? A sign for me not to bother with OU anymore? Hmm... this sucks although all the other universities had to say was, "sorry, can't help you there as the results are simply not out yet"? My sister says that it is a sign and that I should just forget about OU. That's two unanswered emails already, y'know and they are the School of Communication Studies... not really pracising what they preach, are they? Highly suspect... so, go figure.

I hate that I even give a shit. This is what happens when you care; people can disappoint you. And this is actually the reason why I seem so laid back at times because there's no middle ground with me... Either I don't care or I go on a completely anal mode where everything can affect me.

And I hate it when I care. And that is why usually I just keep my expectations ridiculously low, so that when things do go my way, it's like "WOW!! Cool!!" (cue: huge beaming smile;))So my normal enthusiasm is basically a backwash effect of my general low/non expectation outlook in life. Then whenever something good happens, it's like everything good is all a gift with a big red bow on it.

When I want something, I'd bust my ass working for it and then go "whatever" or promptly forget about it. Some people say that it's a self- fulfilling prophecy when you expect the worst and the worst happens. So far it's worked all right for me. I haven't been grieviously disappointed much but I have lots of lovely surprises in my life. Like, instead of stressing that my friends haven't called me since the turn of the century or it's so hard to get to see some of my friends- like they are the prime minister or something or that my salary is just ridiculous, it's great when things you don't expect happen. Getting phone calls from friends whom I'd thought have dropped off the face of the earth, meeting a very busy Maddie for a 5 hour cup of coffee, getting a salary increase of 80 ringgit on top of the normal 80 ringgit this year (yup, that's my annual salary increase babe- 80 ringgit. it's ridiculous, i know, kinda funny too... hehehe There was this year when I earned RM1,999.80, one of my friends offered to give me 20 sen every month so that I could make it an even 2 grand... lol), getting through to Vino after 300 times dialling her number over the period of 3 months, seeing her on Yahoo Messenger online instead of in person. Counting my blessings, dude... that has never failed me yet.

I guess that can also explain my faith in God cos for sure I don't have any on my fellow human beings and a girl needs to be able to trust someone, don't you think? I do have to say that He hasn't disappointed me and even the times when I did feel let down.. hindsight down the road would show that what happened to me, although it sucked when it happened, needed to happen so that bigger blessings come my way.

In conclusion, if OU doesn't come through for me, it's ok. I'm sure there's a reason for it. It just struck me, although I am sure that this is an old wisdom... someone, somewhere has said the same thing some time: it's all perspective. You can see something as something positive or negative from different angles. Like I started this post in a hissy fit and right now, i'm positively calm and strangely hopeful.

You just have to learn to look at things in the right light. Some people call that being optimistic, some people call it delusional, me, i call it: keeping my sanity. Anyways, all the drama aside, I hope that everything is all well and good in your world. It's good to talk as always, although it's actually me who's doing all the talking. You know me, i'm crazy like that sometimes. Thanks for listening/reading.

Al Fatihah

2007-02-12T19:09:00.000+08:00

Today is a day of reflections. I don't know how much got done though because everything is out of sort. A work colleague just passed away on saturday. Got to know today.

It's so darned random. She's so young.. 26-27 left a husband and a 2 year old daughter. Plus she's really nice. I was asking myself how come the nice ones are gone while the assholes are still around.

I guess for the rest of us, it's carpe diem all the way coz you don't know when your turn will come. If we have done what we are supposed to do. I do believe that each of us has a part to play in this world before we die. Am I doing what i'm supposed to do?

I remember her as a very nice person and a pleasure to be around with. She always has a smile for everyone. I feel a little odd and guilty at the same time because I didn't visit her when she was ill. I'd rather remember her like she was before. Before all the chemo and everything. They kept telling me that I should go and visit her as the doctors said that she only have 4 months to live. Because I'm not very close to her, I feel that if I were in her position, I'd rather spend whatever little time I have left with my family so I didn't go.

If that were me, how would people remember me? How would you remember me if that was me who died on Saturday?

How self-absorbed is that, other people die and all I can think of is myself. A valid question in my head, though.

That's two deaths in my life this year and it's just barely started. What if that was me? What do I leave behind and how would people remember me if I were to die today?

Al-Fatihah. May she rests in peace and may God bless her soul.

Fragrance personality

2007-02-08T21:42:00.000+08:00

I saw an advertisement on TV and it was about finding out your personality through your fragrance... just send FP to whatever number. I mean, seriously, who would do such a thing? It's a blatant attempt to part you with your hard-earned money. Are people that clueless about themselves that they need someone to tell them who they are from the fragrance about good old-fashioned self-reflection? Oh! wait a minute! I know why... It's too damn hard and no one can tell you if you are on the right track or not... yeah... Why not take the easy way out, right?

I probably sound arrogant and judgemental about it but it's just irks me to no end. The stupidity of the human race! I'll admit it... I take quizzes all the time but then I don't have to pay for it...hahah... and I've done the hard work of self-reflection and I know I'm a long way away from done but the fact that these companies come up with new ways to part people with their money is just highway robbery to me. I've read about people losing RM 8,000 trying to win a RM300 prize money. The daylight robbery I'm refering to is the hidden charges that they put in the fine print. The telco charges, the registration charges, the fees you have to pay to get them to send the questions to you, the fees you pay to answer the questions, the premium fees and God knows what else. It's just not ethical to me.

The telecommunication companies would say that they didn't force people to text and participate but I think there should be a line on highway robbery. I was once sent a text inviting me to participate in such charges and later found out that them sending me that text is costing ME money. It's just not right. I wonder how these people sleep at night.

To those who's looking to know themselves, don't fall for these contests or whatever you want to call it. Just do it the old-fashioned way. It's way better for you then allowing a computer to randomly tell you what you are. They are just going to tell you things that you want to hear, like how likeable you are, how sweet and romantic you are but what about the not so pretty stuff? How you tend to envy people of good things happening to them or how you can't be loyal to people you profess to care even to save your life. I think although knowing the good things about yourself is good as you need good self-esteem to go through life and handle what it throws at you, it is more important to know your weaknesses so that you can work on them and better yourself.

I know it's hard. Just do it. It builds character and nothing is worth more than having good character. Everythings else comes from there.

Peace, Love, Joy...

Life and Times of Joy

2007-02-08T02:27:00.000+08:00

I'm doing ok although I feel like lately I've been living through a quite interesting and dare I say, exciting time. I haven't decided if it's good excitement or not-so-good excitement but I'm so sure that it's not boring. Shocking:definitely, confusing:quite so, unnerving: hell yeah... here are some an exerpt of recent events in my life. Judge for yourself.

The night before last I got the shock of my life. I went to the 7-11 store and when I came back to my car, I saw a big guy jerking off not 5 feet from my car. I recognized him from before when I went to the gas station to use the ATM (about 100 yards away). It was late- about 11 pm and dark and no one was really around. My hand really shook as I unlocked the car and got in and locked the doors. It felt like it took forever for me to just get into the car. I backed out of the parking bay and drove off. The whole process must have taken less than ten seconds but those seconds felt endless...

Why do people do things like that? I don't really get it but my guess is that it has nothing to do with sex. It's the intimidation factor that gives these people the rush. They like seeing women reacts with screams or whatever. I don't know what my face must have looked like but I tried my best not to let anything register on my face. Why give him the satisfaction. I was just very afraid as I know that things could easily turn really dangerous. If he wanted to overpower me, he could have easily done so. He was about 5'10" or 6' compared to the my 5' nothing. He didn't look demented or anything. He looked kinda normal actually.

Now that I've thought about it, what I should have done is go back into the store and ask one of the shop assistants to walk me to my car or something like that. It just never crossed my mind to ask help. All that went through my head was, "What do I do, what do I do, what do I do" like a mantra.

When I got back home, at 12.30 I got a call from a student saying that one of my boys was involved in an accident. It turned out that the boy was my boss's son. The boy who called me said that he didn't know what to do and that the boy in question didn't want to call his dad. So in the end the consensus was, "Let's call Ms Joy and let her decide what to do." Nice..

When I arrived at the hospital, there were huddling at a corner and watched me, in my full-blown mother-hen mode, approach warily, fully expecting a tongue-lashing which I was happy to oblige later but at that moment I needed to get the facts. They just watched in awe as I just entered the restricted treatment area. I've long discovered that if you carry yourself like you belong there and it's your God-given right to be there, people tend to think you that you really do have the right. Plus I've had a lot of experience with the emergency rooms after nearly two years as the hostel (not prison) warden.

I finally located him in one of the treatment rooms after hunting for him in the observation ward and the X-Ray department and when he saw me, he braced himself for a scolding. Knowing that he'll get more than I could ever give him from his dad, I kept quiet. Well, relatively quiet anyway.. I couldn't stop myself from scolding him when he told me that he took the motorcycle/scooter thingie and not his car because it's just him alone in the car. Trying to save money on petrol apparently, which inevitably invited the "Are you trying to tell me that your life is cheaper than a tank of gas??!!" response from me. I couldn't help myself. For a smart guy, he sure acted like an idiot!!

It turned out that he fell off the bike that he borrowed from a friend at 8 pm, sat for a test until 10 pm and has been waiting for more than two hours for treatment. End of the rope, didn't know what to do, call Ms Joy. All that with a broken shoulder.. right shoulder.. I don't know how he managed to write anything in the test.

So it was 1.30 in the morning before I drove him home and I was thinking to myself, how do I make this easier. It turned out, you can't really make it easier. Waking people in the middle of the night is not fun especially when you are telling them that their firstborn was involved in an accident and has broken bones. Not fun at all.

I had to repeat myself three times before it sank in that I was in front of his house with his battered son in tow. I stayed to explain what happened and reminded my boy to take his medications before bed, after which I took myself off so that his dad can yell at him in private. I got in at 2.30 and couldn't sleep from all the adrenaline pumping through my system. What a night... a flasher/public masturbator (kinda sounds like public prosecutor) and a rescue all in the space of 3 hours.

My boys, even at 21-22, are still boys, in my eyes. I don't know why or how but somehow they look to me for answers and I have no choice but to be a responsible adult for them or at least appear to be and try to give them the answers as best as I can. I always ask myself, when did I turn into an adult, when at times I feel like I'm as clueless as they are? I don't mind that they called me because I feel that it's a sign of their trust in me which is really sweet, I think. And you know I'm a sucker for sweet gestures from people:) The world greatest sap, remember?

"I'm Off ToThe School"

2007-02-06T22:10:00.000+08:00

I just found out that I haven’t lost my edge in linguistics in terms of English Syntax. That’s comforting actually. On one of my YM contacts' status, it read, “I’m off to the school”. So very helpfully of course, I IM-ed her saying that it’s actually “I’m off to school” as “to school” is actually functioning as an adverbial phrase in the sentence even though it seems like a noun. So it should rightly read "I'm off to school." How very helpful is that :) Helpful but irritating, I know. I'm a a born teacher, I guess. A full-blown nosey irritating teacher.

I’m the kind of person whom you don’t like to be around when you go to Malaysian supermarkets. As a teacher, I have a whiteboard marker in my handbag at all times since I couldn’t be bothered to have to remember bringing my marker pen every time I go to class. Since Malaysian supermarkets or malls would have all the signs in English and since they would just write whatever comes to mind as long as it sounds vaguely English, I would be the person who would covertly take out her trusty marker pen and correct the placards. At least the ones that I can reach anyway.

I haven’t been consciously thinking of all the basics that I’ve learned during my varsity days like semantics, pragmatics and syntax in my daily teaching duties but they are what they are: my basics. They formed me and strengthened my foundations. They have been so ingrained that they have become second nature to me and for that, kudos to my teachers for a job well done. My adequate background frees me up so that I can concentrate on the job at hand. It gives me the confidence to do my job without having to second guess myself every two seconds which is important because let’s face it, my mother tongue is not English. English is my second language.

What constitutes a second language anyway? That’s the debate that has lasted for generations. Does it have to be a language that you learned which is other than the language spoken at home? What if the language spoken at home is “English” but the broken version? For example, when your child misbehaves, you’d say, “Stop or mama beat” when the mother really means to say, “If you don’t stop that, I’ll spank you.” Does that mean that your first language is English simply because you use English words regardless of syntax?

What is my situation then, when I am equally comfortable expressing myself in both languages but I can only learn things formally/academically in English because the medium of instruction of all my post-secondary education has been English? What if I can talk about my feelings better in English rather than in Malay for cultural reasons because in we don’t talk about feelings in Malay without sounding like “drama swasta” (Malaysian version of the soap opera)?

In the former, I find that my vocabulary is very schoolgirlish because I never learn my own language after secondary school and for that I find myself grappling when I have to express nuances. To me, it feels like trying to do brain surgery with the kitchen knife. On the other hand, the latter is because I was brought up in a traditional conservative Malay household where we never talk about feelings. My mom is the strong silent type and I have the feeling like if she talks about her feelings, she would feel vulnerable and she doesn’t like that. As the results, she never talks about feelings. What does that make me? That leaves me with no real vocabulary in context to talk about feelings because I seriously have never heard it in real life or real conversation. Simply put, I just don’t know how and the only instances when I hear feelings being talked about, it would be in Malay drama which doesn’t really light my fire.

So I end up using English to express my feelings and to learn among other things. Where does that leave me in terms of first and second language? Whatever it is, I am still grateful that I have both languages.

Renaissance Persona

2007-01-29T22:00:00.000+08:00

I've always loved the Renaissance era. I wouldn't necessarily want to be born then but to me, the poetry is more beautiful, and hey, one word really explains it all: Shakespeare...

So I came across this quiz and took it to find out what would I be had I been born then....

I don't disagree with it...

plus I think I have a confession to make: My name is Joy and I'm a Quizaholic... lol

Peace...Love... Joy....

The Prioress
You scored 18% Cardinal, 61% Monk, 58% Lady, and 32% Knight!

You are a moral person and are also highly intellectual. You like your solitude but are also kind and helpful to those around you. Guided by a belief in the goodness of mankind you will likely be christened a saint after your life is over.

You scored high as both the Lady and the Monk. You can try again to get a more precise description of either the Monk or the lady, or you can be happy that you're an individual.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 17% on Cardinal

You scored higher than 83% on Monk

You scored higher than 79% on Lady

You scored higher than 17% on Knight

Link: The Who Would You Be in 1400 AD Test written by KnightlyKnave on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Glorious Music...

2007-01-28T14:18:00.000+08:00

I bought myself a walkman last week. How time has changed!!! I still remember walkman being a little bigger than the size of a man’s hand. I still remember being awed at my eldest sister’s walkman that at that time looked so stylish and she carried it around like a very square handbag… with the shoulder strap and all… and feeling totally superior to my sister of my sleekly curved (in my eyes at that time) smaller and lighter walkman.

And now my Sony (like.no.other) NW-E003F walkman is the size of a pack of chewing gum and hanging not off my shoulder or stuck to my waist, but around my neck and lighter than anything. Wow!!!

It makes me feel a bit like a dinosaur actually since I think that young people nowadays haven’t even seen the walkman I described earlier. I never pretend to be tech-savvy. All my techie skills are all things that I had to learn in order to function. Yes, I have a laptop, a desktop, DVD player and a digital camera (which some punk stole a few months ago) but it’s all as a reactive impulse. I don’t go out and buy the most up to date version of things. My philosophy is guided by one question: “Can I Use It?” And I didn’t get them on my own… my sister Kepips acts as my technology consultant.

To illustrate, when buying this laptop, I just tell her that I need a reliable laptop so that I can do my work on the go. My super hi-tech specs are:

*The smallest you can find
*I can type on it
*I can listen to music on it
*I can watch DVD on it
*WIFI enabled (I still remember how "advanced" I felt when I stuck this one in there)
*Around RM2,500…

Not very complicated huh? I gave her my credit card, taught her how to forge my signature and sent her on her merry way. That, my friends, is how I survive in this hi-tech world.

And of course, staying true to form- I bought this walkman with her. It started out with her showing me an MP3 player that she wanted. A cylindrical tube the size of my thumb attached to an armband. A really sporty gadget- sporty being the operative word. You know the kind people strap to their arm and run around looking extremely atheletic with. Or at least that's how the models looked like.

And suddenly I remember the time I was Indonesia waiting to come home at the airport coming back from a business trip. I wanted some music so I switched on my laptop to play my music- without headphones, mind you… The professor who was with me looked at me with great pity in his eyes and hesitantly said, “Joy, don’t you have an MP3 player?”

I looked at him straight in the eye and said, “Nope”

He shook his head sadly.

Remembering that, I decided there and then to get one…Impulse purchase in all its glory:) So I said to her, “Ok, choose one for me” and she did. The only decision I made was to choose a purple one. How girly was that! I trusted her to get me the best one at the budget that I had. She's used to my tech-shopping style.. lol

So now I’m the proud owner of a purple Sony Walkman. They say that you get a temporary high when you make an impulse purchase which will die out and leaving you covered with guilt and shame at the lack of your self-control. Not me- no siree-bob, I'm still enjoying my purchase and I can see myself enjoying it for a long time to come.

So if you see me on the street and I don’t acknowledge you, it’s nothing personal… I’m just enjoying my music…

I'm Baacckkkkk!!!!

2007-01-28T06:27:00.000+08:00

I have been absent from my blog because my life has been so messy that I couldn’t even think straight. But now, I’m happy to report that all is well.

Actually, the messiness is still there. So what have changed? My perception of the state of being Joy has changed. A friend asked, “What changed?” and I told him that I’m just sick and tired of feeling depressed. The more I stress about it, the more depressed I become so January 1, 2007 was the perfect day for me to change my outlook. I figured that no one will come charging on a white horse to carry me away from my problems and even if he does, I’d probably be asking him so many questions that he'd turn right around and gallop away crying for his mama.. Y'know, asking him about the important stuff... about the safety of his horse, the humane treatment of his horse and how DOES he keep his armor so shiny and pretty, and does he elbow grease it himself or does he have a squire to look after his pansy lily-white ass and if he does have a squire, does the squire get days off like normal people or does he have to be like an indentured servant and the list goes on… The point is, the knight isn’t coming anytime soon…

So back to the case in point…. No one is going to do it for me. I have to get myself out of the funk myself. So that’s what I did. It wasn’t as easy as it sound… I mean it’s already the end of the month before I’m ready to write anything at all. So from the moment the intention was there to the moment I actually feel good enough about myself that I can write, it takes a while. But now I’m back and I’ll update you on the going-ons in my life during my sabbatical… which can be summed up as,

It is all out of my hands now. I have done what I could and the rest is up to God.

When the whole world is sleeping....

2007-01-28T04:37:00.000+08:00

I stumbled upon Nicki V's site and for the lack of things to do, I guessed, I took a quiz,called what kind of cook are you.... Since the results concurred with my own perception of myself... the vainpot that I am, I decided that I really like this quiz... and I took another one... and another one and another one.... haha... Put it down as getting to know myself... yeah right. Mostly it's because I can't sleep and it's already quarter to 5 in the morning. Nicki R will be glad to see something different on my site now... she's getting tired of the songs already. I guess everyone would unless they know what song I'm quoting.

Your Birthdate: October 19

You are resilient, and no doubt your resilience has already been tested.
You've had some difficult experiences in your life, but you are wise from them.
Having had to grow up quickly, you tend to discount the advice of others.
You tend to be a loner, having learned that the only person you can depend on is yourself.

Your strength: Well developed stability and confidence

Your weakness: Suspicion of others

Your power color: Eggplant

Your power symbol: Spade

Your power month: October

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English

25% Yankee

10% Dixie

5% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

People Envy Your Generosity

You're a giving soul, and you'd do almost anything for those you love. And they'd do anything for you!
People may envy how giving you are, but more than anything, they envy those you open your heart to.

What Do People Envy About You?

Really??? Am I that much of a sap??? hmmm... highly suspect...

The madness go on.. or should I say the sappiness goes on...

What Your Dreams Mean...

Your dreams seem to show that you're a very well adjusted and happy person.

Overall, you are very content in your life.

You tend to be a very productive thinker.

You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind.

What Do Your Dreams Mean?

I cook???!!!

2007-01-28T04:33:00.000+08:00

You Are an Excellent Cook

You're a top cook, but you weren't born that way. It's taken a lot of practice, a lot of experimenting, and a lot of learning.
It's likely that you have what it takes to be a top chef, should you have the desire...

Are You A Good Cook?

2006-09-18T16:18:00.000+08:00

Lately I haven't been blogging much and what little I posted has been lyrics of songs. Some of you have lodged an official complaint-- in person, nonetheless. Anyway, sorry for that. Haven't felt like blogging for quite sometime now. The reason? My life is in a mess right now. I have been doing a bit of growing up lately. Probably no one would notice it but I do.

Emotions have been running high and I have learned that writing at this time can be a disaster. Why, you might ask. Well, I get very raw and vulnerable when I'm writing in this state and most writing that I do at times like these are very revealing. Not to mention extremely sentimental and cheesy. Yeah, that's actually the kind of person I am: sentimental and cheesy although I portray this strong independent persona most of the time. Since this is kind of public, I prefer to either write it when I'm calmer and thus hopefully more objective, or not write about it at all.

Another reason why I haven't been writing is because my little laptop is at the shop. It gave up the ghost and refused to do what I wanted it to do. Since most of my writing takes place in bed in the middle of the night, that means that I couldn't be cozy and comfy and write my heart out. So, no posting...

Anyway, I have been feeling overwhelmed with work and that my life is in a total mess. I keep saying to myself, "This too shall pass... " it doesn't feel as if it's going to pass. It feels like drowning and I just don't want to be here anymore. Well, that's not true. I do want to be here but I seem to have lost the drive. I am not motivated to do anything while work keep piling up on my desk.

Sometimes I feel like screaming when everything is requiring my attention and all I want to do is drop everything like hot potatoes and run to the hills. Everyone wants me to be perfect. Everyone needs my attention, not now but yesterday- like there's no tomorrow and the world is coming to an end if I don't give them what they want. I feel like there aren't enough hours in a day. All I want is for them to get off my back and just leave me alone. I cannot be strong anymore, yet I'm so afraid to let go. It's like if I do, everything will fall apart.

I'm probably overstating it and they all probably don't need me as much as I think but it feels like I'm carrying a mountain at times.

Sometimes I wonder if my life can play out differently. The thing is that I'm not generally unhappy. Most of the time, I'm content with my life. I love my small and probably insignificant life. I'm happy contributing to my environment in my own way- one small step at a time. I teach my students, hopefully they learn something more than the curriculum the powers that be set for them. I hope whatever they learn from me makes them better human beings in the long run. You just never know how they'll turn out until they come back to you and tell or show you what they have become. You just have to do the best you can and hope for the best. I guess you can say that about everything in this world. What more can you do but do your utmost best and hope for the best.

Just hope that your best is good enough.

2006-08-19T01:28:00.000+08:00

HAVE A LITTLE FAITH IN ME

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me
And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin'
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your backs against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch, I will catch your fall baby
Just have a little faith in me

Well, I've been loving you for such a long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your love gives me strength enough
So have a little faith in me

John Haitt

DROP THE PILOT

I'm right on target
My aim is straight
So you're in love
I say what of it
Things can change
There's always changes
And I wanna try
Some rearranging

Drop the pilot
Try my balloon
Drop the monkey
Smell my perfume
Drop the mahout
I'm the easy rider
Don't use your army
To fight a losing battle

Animal, mineral, physical, spiritual
I'm the one you need
I'm the one you need

You're kissing cousins
There's no smoke
No flame
If you lose that pilot
I can fly your plane
If you want solid ground
Come on and try me
Or I can take you so high
That you're never gonna wanna
Come down
Drop the pilot
Try my balloon
Drop the monkey
Smell my perfume
Drop the mahout
I'm the easy rider
Don't use your army
To fight a losing battle

Animal, mineral, physical, spiritual
I'm the one you need
I'm the one you need
I saidAnimal, mineral, physical, spiritual
I'm the one you need
I'm the one you need
I'm the one you need

Joan Armatrading

THE WHOLE OF THE MOON

I pictured a rainbow
You held in your hands
I had flashes
But you saw then plan
I wondered out in the world for years
While you just stayed in your room
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon!
The whole of the moon!

You were there at the turnstiles
With the wind at your heels
You stretched for the stars
And you know how it feels
To reach too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole of the moon!

I was grounded
While you filled the skies
I was dumbfounded by truths
You cut through lies

I saw the rain-dirty valley
You saw brigadoon
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon!

I spoke about wings
You just flew
I wondered, I guessed, and I tried
You just knew
I sighed
But you swooned
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon!
The whole of the moon!

With a torch in your pocket
And the wind at your
You climbed on the ladder
And you know how it feels
To reach too high
Too farToo soon
You saw the whole of the moon!
The whole of the moon!

Unicorns and cannonballs,
Palaces and piers,
Trumpets, towers, and tenemets,

Wide oceans full of tears,
Flag, rags, ferry boats,S
cimitars and scarves,
Every precious dream and vision
Underneath the stars

You climbed on the ladder
With the wind in your sails
You came like a comet
Blazing your trail
Too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole of the moon!

The Waterboys

SLIMEBALL JUNIOR

2006-08-18T15:08:00.000+08:00

I was online at Yahoo Messenger when out of the blue one of the guys I used to date said hi.. and started chatting with me. I used to date him quite intensively a few years back and we broke up because while he enjoyed my traits etc, I didn’t fit with his vision of the demure docile bride….. so ok.. fine. By Malaysian standard, I’m more the spunky smart type… I don’t fall in love too often and that was a really serious time for me. It was very very complicated that I had to go away when he got married and that’s another reason why I welcomed the chance to go away and do my masters degree. So, ok… that’s fine. On my Yahoo Messenger, I always appear offline just to him so he never bothered me before and the reason why I put him on the permanent offline was because in the early months after his wedding, he met me online and started the conversation with, “Hello Princess” to me… I mean what’s up with that? You go “Princess” your wife, not me! and he just got married and starting to crave my attention again. Obviously he liked the way I treated him. Just not brave enough to commit. I started to get the heebie jeebies and just made my excuses and put myself on permanent offline to him. Sorry buddy, I don’t do married men. I get too much of that as it is.

It has been a couple of years so I figured that what’s the harm so I took off the permanent offline label and started to appear online to him again. I thought the passing years would have changed him a bit and he said hello to me again today and starting to talk about wanting other wives… I mean how twisted can you be? And I told him don’t talk to me about that. It gives me the creep and he said that I’m being too sensitive. And that he was just kidding. Kidding or not, I told him I’m allergic to talks about polygamy especially when it comes from him. Damn right I’m sensitive about it. I‘m disgusted is more like it.

I’m not saying that he wanted me to be a second wife or something, it’s just that I knew him before and before he got married, he would have never said things like that. How come when he gets married, suddenly he feels that it’s appropriate to talk about that? I mean, what happened to him?

I did meet up with him for lunch about a year or so ago… and as I sat there and looked at him, I wondered what I ever saw in him. Yeah, he was good looking and all but no substance. All fluff…. God really did me a favor there… It hurt so much when we broke up but it’s all good in the long run.

Just want to share my disturbing online encounter with one of my old boyfriends. Sick…

2006-08-16T00:18:00.000+08:00

JANGAN ADA BENCI

Andainya ada di antara kita nanti
Berubah hala serta janji
Jangan ada benci
Suka dan duka dilalui
Jadikan kenangan di sudut hati

Andainya cita-cita tidak kesampaian
Ikatan murni terputus di pertengahan
Jangan dikesalkan
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Sakit-menyakiti
Memusnahkan diri

Kita harus tabah dan bersedia
Cekal hadapi kemungkinan yang tiba
Kadangkala yang berlaku
Di luar kemahuan kau dan aku

2006-08-09T00:31:00.000+08:00

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating mind
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

evanescence

Battle of the Sexes

2006-08-08T23:55:00.000+08:00

So what am I not supposed to have an opinion

Should I be quiet just because I'm a woman

Call me a bitch cos I speak what's on my mind

Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled

When a female fires back

Suddenly big talker don't know how to act

So he does what any little boy will do

Making up a few false rumors or two

That for sure is not a man to me

Slanderin' names for popularity

It's sad you only get your fame through controversy

But now it's time for me to come and give you more to say

This is for my girls all around the world

Who've come across a man who don't respect your worth

Thinking all women should be seen, not heard

So what do we do girls?

Shout out loud!

Letting them know we're gonna stand our ground

Lift your hands high and wave them proud

Take a deep breath and say it loud

Never can, never will, can't hold us down

Nobody can hold us down

Never can, never will

So what am I not supposed to say what I'm saying

Are you offended by the message I'm bringing

Call me whatever cos your words don't mean a thing

Guess you ain't even a man enough to handle what I sing

If you look back in history

It's a common double standard of society

The guy gets all the glory the more he can score

While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore

I don't understand why it's okay

The guy can get away with it & the girl gets named

All my ladies come together and make a changeS

tart a new beginning for us everybody sing

This is for my girls all around the world

Who've come across a man who don't respect your worth

Thinking all women should be seen, not heard

What do we do girls?

Shout out loud!

Letting them know we're gonna stand our ground

Lift your hands high and wave 'em proud

Take a deep breath and say it loud

Never can, never will, can't hold us down

Here's something I just can't understand

If the guy have three girls then he's the man

He can either give us some head, sex her off

If the girl do the same, then she's a whore

But the table's about to turn

I'll bet my fame on it

Cats take my ideas and put their name on it

It's alright though, you can't hold me down

I got to keep on movin'

To all my girls with a man who be tryin to mack

Do it right back to him and let that be that

You need to let him know that his game is whack

And Lil' Kim and Christina Aguilera got your back

But you're just a little boy

Think you're so cute, so coy

You must talk so big

To make up for smaller things

So you're just a little boy

All you'll do is annoy

You must talk so big

To make up for smaller things

This is for my girls...

This is for my girls all around the world

Who've come across a man who don't respect your worth

Thinking all women should be seen, not heard

So what do we do girls?

Should out loud!

Letting them know we're gonna stand our ground

Lift your hands high and wave 'em proud

Take a deep breath and say it loud

Never can, never will, can't hold us down

Christina Aguilera

I'm all for the sentiment but I wish that the cause is more than about having sex.... I wish women get more respect and respect themselves more. This kind of fire is good but if it is directed towards female emancipation and ensure that no woman will ever be abused mentally, physically and verbally ever again. That we will be given credit where credit is due and not having to work doubly hard just to obtain the same stature and esteem as men do. When I see a woman in position of power, I know that she has to prove that she is better than any man for that position.

I have heard with my own ears how some of the senior management at my little university dismiss the candidature of a woman for a prominent position simply because she's a woman. The reason, "It's going to be awkward and difficult for us. She'll go on maternity leave and where will that leave us?" This coming from the leader of an organization??!! How very enlightened of them!.

Before this I was the only coordinator at the centre so I took care of both research and coursework. A few months back, a man was appointed to coordinate the coursework and my boss was happy at least he has another man. So months have passed, who performs better? The man or the woman?

Let me give you a hint, a pair of balls doesn't ensure intelligence. Enough said.

Hope and Expectation

2006-08-08T23:40:00.000+08:00

The bright sword sharp and keen
Carrying you through your darkest hours
Lifting your spirit with faith and courage
In an instant, cuts you to the core

Life without hope is futile
Life without expectation is pointless
But what if your hope is dashed
And your expectation is thwarted

Will you pick up the pieces
And put together a semblance of hope?
Will you gather up your expectation
And hold it up for the world to see?

Or will you quietly brush them aside
And nurse the wound in your heart
Forsaking the coming hurt

Choosing instead solitude

Crystalline Knowledge

2006-08-07T20:28:00.000+08:00

Crystal

Do you always trust your first initial feeling

Special knowledge holds truth bears believing

I turned around

And the water was closing all around

Like a glove

Like the love that had finally, finally found me

Then I knew

In the crystalline knowledge of you

Drove me thru the mountains

Thru the crystal-like clear water fountain

Drove me like a magnet

To the sea

How the faces of love have changed turning the pages

And I have changed oh, but you...you remain ageless

I turned around

And the water was closing all around

Like a glove

Like the love that had finally, finally found me

Then I knew

In the crystalline knowledge of you

Drove me thru the mountains

Thru the crystal-like clear water fountain

Drove me like a magnet

To the sea

Stevie Nicks

My friends told me hillarious stories that they gave permission to include in this blog. As I am sitting here, it dawns on me that I can't use them. The reason? Because they are not mine to tell. They were funny as hell but it didn't resound to me so that I can make it my own. By taking them and trying to make them my own, I'd be losing my voice, I feel. There will be stories from my friends which will end up in this page but they would have to ring a bell in me.

Heck, all the song lyrics and poems I've appropriated have all come from somewhere as they aren't really mine. But they spoke to me. They mean something to me and whether I can fully explain the connections of the various texts and what they symbolize to me, are another story but somehow I've made them mine and my interaction with the texts has made mine. They might mean something to someone else. There's a literary theory which for the life of me I cannot recall.

What does 'Crystal' mean to me? It puts to words what I feel. Feelings that I cannot put into words like she can. It's how I feel about certain situation or certain people. It might not all fit one person or one situation completely. I know how it feels like when she sings "I turned around/ And the water was closing all around/ Like a glove/ Like the love that had finally, finally found me." When something is definitely right, and you didn't expect it to be so, don't you just feel it in your very bones? The knowledge of it being right submerges and immerse you completely that there is no room for doubt. But then my way of saying it isn't as beautiful as hers. But the truth in the lines speaks so clearly to me and when that happens it's like deja vu. "I know that!! That's how I feel when such and such happen."

The very phrase "crystall ine knowledge" itself resounds in me. There are things that you just know. They don't come like lightning-- they come like something you discover within you. Rather like the Jungian universal consciousness and archetypes. It's already there, in you, just waiting for the right moment for you to discover it. If you bothered to, that is.

I'll be the first person to own up to the fact that there are so many things that I don't know. I feel that I'm surrounded by people who know more than me. I cannot quote you lines, or from books, or this theory or that theory. I can't remember hard and fast fact to save my life, like how to convert Farenheit to Celcius but I know that I'm intuitive. I read people rather well. I can tell by looking at someone if s/he can or cannot accept certain depth in their conversations with me.

I guess that's why I have many different groups of acquaintances/friends. If you talk to different groups, you will find that they regard me and what I mean to them or what I know differently. I have a group of friend with whom I'm the foremost authority of hair and make-up. There's another group who thinks that I'm a hardcore feminist. The list goes on and on. I'm not being a hypocrite. I am a feminist who knows her blusher from her lipgloss as well as her. I'm all that and more.

However, due to lack of time or inclination on my part or that I think that they cannot handle more than that, that's all they see of me. It's not always my decision either to say "Ok, she can't handle philosophy" or "Oh, I can talk about anything with her", people generally make the choice themselves. They choose what they want to hear and all you can do is go with the flow. A conversation is always about testing the water. At least with me, it is.

The first rule of conversation is about making the other person comfortable. Even if your passion is Antartica, you don't bend the other person's ear about Antartica when s/he is clearly glazed over and glassy-eyed about the subject. You find some common ground then you can have a conversation that lasts more than two minutes.

In conversations you can figure out the other person. What they are or aren't is revealed when they open their mouths. You can tell so much about a person just by paying attention and this is the communication strategy/skills that most people lack. You can tell if the person is widely read, observant, insightful or not in a conversation. Since Malaysians are not the world most avid readers, I find myself surrounded by idiots on regular basis. Snobbish of me probably but there you go. Someone wise once said, and he's famous too, just I can't recall his name, "It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubts."

I probably am removing all doubt even as I'm typing this.

Peace!

Nostalgia and Melancholia

2006-08-07T01:01:00.000+08:00

Today has been a rather emotional day. Actually it has been a rather emotional week, but it especially in class. It started for real last night when I was appointed the judge of the “Battle of the Band” competition organized in conjunction with the 2nd convocation of my little university.

Last Friday, my future boss texted me saying that the offer letter for the new job was being couriered that day. I have been wrestling with the choices; do I want to take the job or stay where I am. I’ve known for weeks that I was the successful applicant for the job and the other two internal applicants just froze and failed the interview. I got the job fair and square. And as we, at the university, are restructuring my department, I saw that there is no future for great things for me at this place as one of the experts who was a deputy vice chancellor of academic at one of the established universities in Malaysia confirmed our suspicions of our insignificance to the overall grand scheme of things. As he put it, teachers of English at a technical university are “second class citizens”. They need us but we are to insignificant for them to invest a lot in. Their principle is, “ What do you need a higher degree for if you’re just teaching English. What’s so hard about teaching ‘is, are, was, were, am’?”

We are stuck doing the same thing year in year out with no prospect of expansion in term of subject matter or career development. Anyway, at that, I made up my mind to accept the offer to go into the industry as a communication and event manager at the research and development division of an oil and gas company.

Ever since I made that decision, I have emotionally disengaging myself from my current organization. Basically, nothing fazed me, I didn’t get annoyed even when I was dealing with the most idiotic people or irritating situations. Even the immigration people made me smile when usually every time I paid them a visit, I’d go to my boss and whine at how much I hate dealing with them and that I don’t want to deal with them ever again, only to do so again the very next day. And my boss would murmur comforting nonsense and send me back to deal with the same nonsense the next day.

I have 5 teaching hours every week along with my administrative duties and I have been looking at them as necessary evil for about a year now as I hate what I have to teach and I hate that I have to teach. I like being an administrator and teaching Technical Communication felt wrong when in my heart I know that what they need is Basic Proficiency English. I felt like I was shortchanging them by giving them not what they need but what is being prescribed to them regardless of their needs. For me, when I don’t want to teach anymore, it’s time to put down the marker and do something else. However, this week, knowing that I’m leaving, I have been storing up memories and I really put my heart and soul and love into every minute of what I will not have anymore and what has been my first love: teaching. I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I was 8. well, when I was seven, I wanted to be an airline attendant (what was I thinking??!!) or a nurse (I’m glad I didn’t as nurses no longer wear that cute little caps, the reason why I wanted to become a nurse) and I’m glad to say, my love of teaching has made me a good teacher.

My kids are amazing! They are a polite, punctual because I make them sing or do catwalk if they were late and responsive bunch. It’s a crazy big class, 69 people and of which only 5 girls. They are the sweetest things, second year mechanical engineering students who after every class, would tell me sweet things like, “Thank you, miss, for teaching me today” or “ I had a good time in class tonight, miss”, or “You’re so cool, miss” without fail. Come to think of it, maybe I like teaching for its ego-boosting benefits, who knows? J

Even while teaching, I was nostalgic thinking that I will never have this again. The other night, I was teaching citing conventions, one of the most boring things on earth and they were actually enjoying it. I could see the concentration in their eyes, not glassy zombie looks and they came up to the whiteboard without me twisting their arms. I managed to achieve every English teacher’s Holy Grail—lowering their anxiety towards English and getting them to enjoy the lesson when English is normally seen as a killer subject. I just fell in love with the whole bunch of them in that instant.

This weekend is the graduation weekend and I see my students everywhere—graduating, working at organizing projects like the band competition and helping to direct traffic at the graduation ceremony in the midday sun and I was thinking to myself, “If I had anything at all to do into making them the useful, cheerful, responsible people that I see them developing into, I’m truly blessed.”

It’s like God is testing my resolve by showing me everything that I’m going to miss by choosing to take this new job. It’s like He’s asking me, “Are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure you want to leave this?”

I was in the academic procession for both sessions of convocation today and that is another element that I’m giving up. I will no longer be an academician with all the privileges and esteem that go with it, things that have been a great contributor in shaping my self-concept for nine years—possibly more, since I’ve wanted to become a teacher since forever. This will be the last time that I have the rights to don the academic robes and the mortarboard unless I earn my doctorate.

To answer God’s question, I have not changed my mind. I have great love for not the academic world with all its bullshit but for being a teacher and contributing in shaping a young life and trying to make that life at least better than mine by sharing my passions and experiences and hoping that this charge of mine will take what he or she can to make his or hers a meaningful one. I like to think that I’m trying to make the world a better, tolerant place one student at a time. But it is time to look inward and see if I’m staying a teacher because I was afraid of changes and new challenges or because I truly love it. I know exactly what my life would be like if I stay a teacher. What I do not know is what if I choose another road. Will I able to survive? Am I afraid? I hate to think that I’d stop myself from doing something out of fear. As contrary as I am, if that is indeed the reason, I’d turn around and do the very thing I’m afraid of. That is what I like about myself, and if I don’t know anything about myself, that much I know.

Nevertheless, I was overcome by my emotions and it brought tears to my eyes.

A Rose by any other name....

2006-07-25T15:38:00.000+08:00

According to the Kabalarian Philosophy- a mathematical approach to names and their meanings, this is what they say about me:

Although the name creates the urge to understand others, we stress that it limits self-expression and self-confidence causing moods.
--->hmm... musykil saya....

This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid systems, heart, lungs and bronchial area. ---> so my name gave me athsma? muahahaha

Your name of contributes sensitive, creative, and idealistic qualities to your nature that could be expressed in a variety of literary or artistic fields.
---> hence the reams of bad poetry that you have to read! hahhaha

You desire harmony and refinement in your environment and in all your personal associations.
---> I guess that's why I can't abide rudeness and profound stupidity.

Although mentally quick and intuitive in recognizing the thoughts and feelings of others, you experience a lack of fluency in verbal expression in responding.
--->which is why sometimes I'd rather keep quiet and think it in my head only. People are not patient enough to wait for me to verbalize my thoughts :o( which is why I prefer to write because i can take my own sweet time.

I'm working on the self expression thingie hehe...

To those of you who know me, what do you think? Is this me? :0)

This one is Nic's

Although the name creates the urge to understand others, we emphasize that it limits your vision, tuning you to technical details.

This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid and elimination system.

The name of has created a congenial nature with the desire to associate in friendship and understanding both socially and in the business world.

Peaceful and settled conditions appeal to you and you are naturally desirous of having the security of a home, where your life could follow a definite pattern, and where you would not have to make major decisions.

You find it difficult to take a definite stand, partly because you lack confidence, and also because you dislike any issues which create dissension between people.

Procrastination is a weakness of your nature, causing an inability always to complete your plans or to concentrate for long.

And this is soooo.... her

Great Expectations

2006-07-23T04:57:00.000+08:00

I’ve lived on this earth for 32 years and the most important thing that I’ve learned in those 32 years is to never depend on anyone but myself for my happiness. I have learned to keep my expectations low, do my level best and be pleasantly surprised if good things happen. When you expect people to fulfill certain needs, you are almost always disappointed. And that is not a good thing.

Do things because you want to and not because you expect something in return. That’s the way to go.

I have been my own company for so long now that I lost sight of my governing principle when I get the response and feedback from people in my life. However, as usual, it never lasts, and I got a bit lost. I’ve had my own thoughts for company and I have always been content with that but we must never forget that people have their own lives to lead and to expect them to entertain us is a one-way ticket toward Disappointment when people don’t give you what you need.

Lately, my thoughts have an audience other than myself and the validation is intoxicating, I must admit, but enough now. This cannot continue because it is not fair to other people and it’s no picnic for me, either. I hate being disappointed and you can only be disappointed when you expect what is not yours to have.

When things seem futile in my life, I’d obsess about it for a while and then, at some point, I’d pack it up in a box and put it away- never think about it again. That is what I have to do again now. Put my dependence in a box and put it away. When you don’t have high expectations, you don’t get disappointed.

I might sound cold and heartless but it is a defense mechanism for me. I am too sensitive to be surrounded by negativity that it might just kill me. People cope in various ways and this is mine and it’s worked like a charm before. For example, I wanted to do my PhD so bad that it hurts and I obsessed about it that Maddie was so afraid that I’d be so disappointed if it didn’t happen. After a while, after I’ve done all I could to make it happen and it didn’t, I put it in a box, put it away and move on. Had I dwelled on it, it would have crushed me that I didn’t get to do my PhD. It did crush me for a while there but I contained it in time that it didn’t kill me.

Be happy with what you have and compare down. If you compare yourself with people who have all that you want, you will never be happy. Someone will always have more than you. Compare yourself instead with people who have less than you and be grateful that you have what you do have instead of coveting what the others have.

“Because you’re half of me my heart still beats,” that’s the line in a song I’ve heard. It’s a beautiful sentiment but what if the other person leaves? Your heart will stop beating? Then what? Die-lah! That’s what you get when you put your happiness in other people. I don’t think so. You should be able to be happy with what and who you are. If someone makes you happier, that’s all well and good but it shouldn’t be the rule. Take that person away, you can’t function and then what good will you be to anyone, even yourself. If you are happy in what and who you are, if the person is there, you’ll be happy because your life is happier with that person in it but if the other person is no longer there, you’ll still be able to live and take pleasure in your life. Granted, it won’t be delirious happiness but you will be ok because you like what you see in yourself. What and who you are honor you and not shame you. It can’t get any better than that. The worse thing is to look in the mirror and not like what you see.

Sandcastle

Wide open and vulnerable

open to the waves that come

the swell and fall

of extreme nature

Build stronger walls

before the fragile sandcastle

washes away in the demanding tides

Devour and leave behind

emptiness

Stories

put away the stories

tuck them deep inside

and keep them safe

before the world sees them

and they float away

never to be seen again

leaving behind

bits and pieces

2006-07-23T00:28:00.000+08:00

Menyampah!!!... I lost a posting... invested lots of my meandering thoughts in it too... F***!!!

i wasted my time............ i feel like strangling someone. Good thing no one's around. The song playing on my computer is one of Beyonce's love songs... so not suitable for the mood I'm in. I need something angry.

over and out

Who'd have thunk it?!!

2006-07-18T22:39:00.000+08:00

When I was doing my M. A. English (the unfinished one) my favorite genre was Metaphysical Poetry and my favorite Metaphysical poet is John Donne. However, Marvel has always intrigued me with "To His Coy Mistress". Here I was thinking that it's about a bloke trying to get into his girlfriend's pants when it was about something totally unrelated to sex. No wonder I couldn't hack it... I loved English Literature with a passion, enjoyed the classes tremendously but didn't have time to finish up my dissertation. One of the reasons is that I had to move to Melaka and since my college in Melaka is a technical/engineering college, they figured that the future engineers of Malaysia don't need Renaissance Poetry to be good engineers. So they paid me to study Communication...

Another reason is because the esteemed Prof. Lim Chee Seng couldn't take me on and supervise my dissertation so Mrs Pillay had to do it. In doing so, I had to change my topic to something not only I have no passion for, but that I practically hated-- 18th century literature... novels to be exact. I did have some passion for it actually, I hated it with a passion. A very expensive lesson that was: never do something that doesn't ring true with your core. Not only nothing rang, it was practically as silent as a grave. I should've hold on to what I really wanted and not compromise on it. But I did and I paid the price for it.

But good thing did came out of it in addition to the expensive lesson. I met Vino there, and Maddie, too, and these two people are my truest, bestest friends in the whole wide world, along with other good friends. We had so much fun it should be illegal. All of us were half in love with Prof. Lim and alllllll.... the way in love when he recited poetry. *sigh... I'm sure he knew when he finished reading, all of us had this idiotic look on our faces.

To my M. A. Literature classmates: DE NIAL is a river in Egypt!!!!

Despite all that, I sold out!! I know... but John Donne couldn't feed me so I sold my soul to the Devil and studied Communication. But I still retain great fondness for Renaissance Literature in general and Metaphysical Poetry in particular. I feel that it makes a lot of sense to me, even when I was young and stupid.

To Prof. Lim, if you ever stumble upon this page, I just would like to apologize for not finishing my M.A. Now I work with Graduate Studies, I know how hard it was on you that lots of your kids didn't finish their M.A. and graduate. I'm sure you got a lot of flack for the failure rate of your students but at least you can be proud of Vino, right? I love you to bits!!!!

Andrew Marvel (1621-1678)

To His Coy Mistress

Had we but World enough, and Time,
This coyness Lady were no crime.
We would sit down, and think which way
To walk, and pass our long Loves Day.
Thou by the Indian Ganges side
Should'st Rubies find: I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood:
And you should if you please refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than Empires, and more slow.
An hundred years should grow to praise
Thine Eyes, and on thy Forehead Gaze.
Two hundred to adore each Breast:
But thirty thousand to the rest.
An Age at least to every part,
And the last Age should show your Heart.
For Lady you deserve this State;
Nor would I love at lower rate.
But at my back I alwaies hear
Times winged Charriot hurrying near:
And yonder all before us lye
Desarts of vast Eternity.
Thy Beauty shall no more be found;
Nor, in thy marble Vault, shall sound
My echoing Song: then Worms shall try
That long preserv'd Virginity:
And you quaint Honour turns to dust;
And into ashes all my Lust.
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none I think do there embrace.
Now therefore, while the youthful hew
Sits on thy skin like morning [dew],
And while thy willing Soul transpires
At every pore with instant Fires,
Now let us sport us while we may;
And now, like am'rous birds of prey,
Rather at once our Time devour,
Than languish in his slow-chapt pow'r.
Let us roll all our Strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one Ball:
And tear our Pleasures with rough strife,
Through the Iron gates of Life.
Thus, though we cannot make our Sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.

To His Coy Mistress: Beneath the Romance
Written by: kellymck

Few would argue that on the surface level of Marvel's "To His Coy Mistress" the speaker is a lover advancing a conventional 'carpe diem' line of thought. He systematically reasons with his desired object about the futility of delaying their interlude when the hours available to them are limited, but the lyric may simultaneously function as a metaphor for Marvel's endeavors as a metaphysical poet. Metaphysical writers view poetry as an intellectual exercise, an opportunity to develop ideas in a logical, argumentative structure; for them, the object of poetry is not to serve as an outlet for an effusion of emotional sentiments. If one approaches "To a Coy Mistress" as a discussion of the pressures which time places upon a writer, Marvel's apostrophe takes on an ironic twist. He uses his analytical skills to coax his writing to manifest his intended desires, providing a playful look at the connection between a man and his work. Complicating this relationship is the necessity of negotiating under the terms and constraints of an outside third party: time. Marvel battles to balance his time between his public occupation as a member of the British Parliament, the Hull, and his more private pursuits as a writer. The superficially apparent pleas of a lover seeking a relationship serve as a mirror to Marvel's struggle to conquer his artistic prowess.

The poem itself contains three distinct components of argumentation, all which occur within a syllogistic framework. The argumentation of each division begins with an acknowledged impossibility, represented by the conditional tenses of "Had we," "But," and "Now, therefore." Marvel comprehends his incapacity to master absolutely the antagonist of time, but in this poem, he achieves a victory through the creation of an interpretation of time unbounded by a linear backdrop. He uses a three tiered progression of argumentation: 1) a reflection of the writing process removed from traditional conceptions of time; 2) discourse on the urgency of creating written material within human time frames; and 3) the presentation of written material as a celebration of life.

In the first division, Marvel creates a world ideally conducive to his endeavors as a writer by distorting human measurement of time. In the beginning line, the vast and illimitable capacity of the backdrop blurs the relationship of space and time. With slow moving precision, he presents the image of an idyllic world where there is "world enough" to meditatively approach his muse, poetry, with boundless attention to detail. With the elimination of the constraints of time, he can languidly address the "coyness" of his lover. The term "coyness" captures the emotional and sexual connection between Marvel and his writing and the playful way he manipulates and persuades it to behave in accession with his desires. Writing becomes a feminized object; it is to be a display of beautiful perfection but exists for the male world to manipulate to its advantage, becoming an extension of the man himself. He struggles to produce writing within the constraints of a prudish, stuffy, and demure world where it would be a "crime" to attach oneself to mediocre material. The title captures the tension through the separation of the subject and the object with the description of writing as "his coy Mistress." Through his writing, Marvel attempts to create through written expression a union of expression between his ideas and the outside world.

Marvel's commentary that, given the time, "We would sit down and think which way/ To walk, and pass our long love's day," reflects the intellectual stimulation he achieves though writing. The vivid imagery created by the mixture of Christian, modern, Pagan, and geographic references suggests a picture of a man sitting down before he begins the writing process, simply pondering this possibilities, perfecting how to precisely frame his grand vision. However, this suspension of time implies that the finished product of writing will only manifest itself if one continues to "walk" and "pass," words which both come to represent the stages of writing beyond simply daydreaming about it. If poetry is indeed his muse, the word muse the implies that one can become so absorbed in thought that he fails to conclusively formulate his idea. Marvel creates a paradox: while time constrains what we are able to achieve, it is this pressure which ultimately impels us to action.

Perhaps this creates Marvel's defense of metaphysical writers, who are notorious for writing in rough verse and direct and simple diction. Such practices demonstrate their philosophy of emphasis on thought over form. By drawing a parallel between the body of a lover and the structure created by a poet, Marvel uses metaphysical wit to parody the conventional belabored admiration contained in works by Elizabethan love poets. Marvel relates the impossibility of the preposterous claims: "A hundred years should go to praise/ Thine eyes, and on they forehead gaze. / Two hundred to adore each breast. / But thirty thousand to the rest. / An age at least to every part." The hyperbole suggests the insincerity of writers/lovers and questions their ability because they "love at lower rate," suggesting that the intellectual force and skill of these writers/lovers becomes diluted by such copious attention to the structural nature of the work.

The second division abruptly departs from this world of slow movement with the announcement that "at my back I always hear/ times winged chariot hurrying year." The personification of time creates a tangible competition between the writer and an outside force which demands that he work at a predetermined pace, explaining Marvel's urgent call for his mistress to promptly yield to his desires. He creates consequences for A writer suspended in inactivity and unconscious of time. The image of barren and infertile "[d]eserts of vast eternity" suggests the importance of a writer's productivity and creation. Storing written material "in thy marble vault" for posterity becomes the equivalent to the procreative act superficially discussed in the poem. Marvel acknowledges the transient nature of the "virginity," "quaint honour," and "beauty" of flesh through the grotesque and contrasting imagery of "ashes" and "worms," destroying the physical evidence of its existence. Time provides the catalyst for the destruction, which Marvel can evade only through the legacy of his writing. His mortal body will inevitably perish, and he must finish his artistic work before Apollo in his chariots brings the sun of his final day out of the sky.

Framing this urgency is an underlying fear, not of death itself because, as he says, "the grave's a fine and private place," but of a need for others to "embrace" and understand his artistic voice posthumously. He envisions with horror that his "echoing song" of ideas and words will simply "turn to dust" and "into ashes all my lust," underscoring the fear that his ideas will perish if he can not fashion them into a timeless medium. Marvel relates the exigency of actually conquering his coquettish mistress and performing the act of writing, justifying his intention to end the process of lusting after the desired object- perhaps the attainment of consummate expression- in order to immortalize his soul through writing.

The third division reflects Marvel's passionate, yet logical, confrontation with the petulant nature of his writing and demanding that it yield to his mastery. Although under ideal conditions, a writer can always spend more time wooing and courting his writing just as a admirer can endlessly praise his desired object, the constraint of time necessitate compromise. While Marvel acknowledges his "slow-chapped power," he argues that one must relate what "thy willing soul transpires" before "our time devours." If one considers the poem within a scientific context even, "the youthful hue" which "sits on thy skin like morning dew" takes on an ominous tone of times continuos and cyclical progression. Dew is the condensation of water, which occurs during the beginning of each day and is the temperature at which not enough energy exists in the air to promote evaporation. Perhaps Marvel is hinting at the relationship between man and his decreased state of energy with the progression of each day. Ultimately time ensures the cyclical will overcome the man, but he can affirm life by controlling the day through writing.

Writing becomes a courtship that involves hunter-like aggressiveness. Ideas sit "at every pore with instant fires," but they must be captured "like amorous birds of prey" before the "instant fires are extinguished." The hunting process becomes a metaphorical representation of the intellectual exercises sought by metaphysical writers. Poetry manifests the immortal soul because, although his body will eventually decay, his mistress, poetry, is free from "the iron gates of life," creating the further subject/object distinction between the poet and his work. The hunter pleas with his writing to merge with his will so the earlier distinction between himself and his lover (writing) can unite in mutual achievement: "Let us roll all our strength, and all/ Our sweetness, up into one ball." Marvel "will make him [time] run" and achieve victory over time when he is able to "stand still" and transform his ideas into a lasting form.

The sexual level of "To His Coy Mistress" is so apparent as to suggest that Marvel, a man who loved intellectual games, is advancing a more complex message. One of the hallmarks of metaphysical poets is the practice of metaphysical conceit, which is a figure of speech that employs unconventional and paradoxical images. Marvel engages in the challenging task of relating the struggles of a writer trying to direct his energy and ideas into a concrete format to the attempts of a lover trying to convince another to engage in sexual relations. The syllogistic framework of the poem seems to support the implausibility of such a relationship, but Marvel succeeds with his logical progression in formulating a unique perspective of a writer's plight. By constantly shifting its pace, the poem redefines the conception of time, asking one to consider how an artist must control his medium within time's constraints. The audience feels itself being gently introduced to the endless possibilities of the exploration of ideas just before entering a race against time to understand the frustration, fear and the ultimate explosion of excitement accompanying the writing experience. Marvel succeeds in validating the metaphysical tenets of prose, but only if the audience is clever enough to read beneath the romance.

Ode to Nic

2006-07-18T22:09:00.000+08:00

I would like to take this opportunity to greet the fabulous Nic, fondly known as Nicolodeon. What’s up, girl! Thank you for your patience with my many neuroses. If anyone back in the TESL days had told me that ten years in the future, you’ll be my best friends, I’d have looked at him/her with disbelief and said, “Friends with juniors? Puhleezzz…” but you are great! You saved my sanity many times here in Melaka when I thought I’d die if another person do/say/act stupid (things) to/with me.

You cherish my many shortcomings as I do yours… regular people just can't get or understand them, let alone appreciate them. I support your wild purchases and you urge me to make wild purchases and then when I do, be really surprised and keep on trying to get me to abandon my Kancil for a bigger car. I think if I do, you’ll be so surprised and so full of approval as if it was you who made the purchase yourself.

You give me great advice and are graceful enough to listen to mine. You listen to my ranting and raving although you don’t agree with them all the time. You are great!!! If there are more people like you in the world, the world be a more elegant and polite place. You get me most of the time and you are very patient with the parts that you just don’t get. And to me, that’s one of your greatest attributes. Next to your killer body, of course ;)

You let me come to your house everyday and twice on Sundays ;) and even though I don’t go there often, just knowing that you would welcome me anytime warms the cockles of my heart. You laughingly bear my bouts of Narcissistic episodes and just for that, you deserve the biggest trophy in the world! A big thank you for the "insult" episode this evening. I would have burst like an over-ambitious bullfrog if I had to keep it to myself. Anyway, how dared they think that!!! The nerve!!! anyway, this is about you, not me... so pressing on....

I love you, girl… will definitely miss you if you are not around. I think that everyone should have a Nic in their life. My life would be a lot less cheery without you.

P.S: I don't feel like composing the Ode in iambic pentameter, so prose oso can-lah ye?
P.S 2: We have to cook at your house soon since I haven't touched a pot since I came back from the US. And it has been a month actually! How pathetic.

2006-07-18T03:48:00.000+08:00

Cinta
menapak jalan yang menjauh
tentukan arah yang ku mau
tempatkan aku pada satu peristiwa
yang membuat hati lara

di dekat engkau aku tenang
sendu matamu penuh tanya
misteri hidup akankah menghilang
dan bahagia di akhir cerita

cinta, tegarkan hatiku
tak mau sesuatu merenggut engkau
naluriku berkata, tak ingin terulang lagi
kehilangan cinta, hati bagai raga tak bernyawa

aku junjung petuahmu
cintai dia yang mencintaiku
hatinya dulu berlayar, kini telah menepi
bukankah hidup kita akhirnya harus bahagia

di dekat engkau aku tenang
sendu matamu penuh tanya
misteri hidup akankah menghilang
dan bahagia di akhir cerita

cinta biar saja ada
yang terjadi biar saja terjadi
bagaimana pun hidup hanya cerita
cerita tentang yang meninggalkan
dan yang ditinggalkan
cinta

melly goeslow

Día de Enero
Te conocí un día de enero,
con la luna en mi nariz
Y como ví que eras sincero
En tus ojos me perdí

Que torpe distracción
Y que dulce sensación

Y ahora que andamos por el mundo
Como Eneas y Benitin
Ya te encontré varios rasguños
Que te hicieron por ahí

Pero mi loco amor
Es tu mejor doctor

Voy a curarte el alma en duelo
Voy a dejarte como nuevo
Y todo va a pasar
Pronto verás el sol brillar

Tú más que nadie merece ser feliz

Ya vas a ver como van sanando
Poco a poco tus heridas
Ya vas a ver como va
La misma vida a decantar la sal que sobra en el mar

Y aunque hayas sido un extranjero
hasta en tu propio país
Si yo te digo ¿cómo dices tú?
Aún dices ¿qué decís?

Y lloras de emoción oyendo un bandoneón
Y aunque parezcas despistado con ese caminar pausado
Conozco la razón que hace doler tu corazón
Por eso quise hacerte esta canción

Ya vas a ver como van sanando
Poco a poco tus heridas
Ya vas a ver como va
La misma vida a decantar la sal que sobra en el mar

shakira

JANUARY DAY

I met you one January day,
With the moon on my nose
And seeing you were sincere
in your eyes, i lost myself

What a clusmy distraction
And what a sweet sensation

And now that we're walking around the world
Like Mutt and Jeff
I've already noticed the many cuts
That they inflicted on you along the way

But my crazy love
Is your doctor

I'm going to cure your mourning soul
I'm going to leave you like new
And everything's going to pass
Soon, you will see the sun shine

You, more than anyone, deserve to be happy

Soon you will see
Your wounds healing little by little
Soon you will see how life itself
Will decant the excess salt from the sea

And although you've been a foreigner
even in your own country
If i ask 'how do you say' (Colombian Accent)
You still say 'what did you say' (Argentinean Accent)
And you cry with emotion listening to a bandoneón

And though you seem absent minded with that lazy walk
i know what causes your heart to ache
that's why i wanted to make you this song

You're going to see how little by little
Your wounds are going to heal
You're going to see how life itself
Will decant the excess salt from the sea

2006-07-18T03:13:00.000+08:00

I was at the education fair I mentioned before and as I was left alone at the booth. My two partners went off into the sunset. Saturday was Che Man’s birthday and his sister picked him up about an hour and a half ago and Izat went off exactly an hour and 10 minutes ago. He said that he’s going to Low Yat Plaza. Great!... My voice was like a bullfrog and I had to be charming and welcoming. *sigh… things that I have to do.

That was on Saturday, on Sunday it got worse. Izat, a senior professor and I had to mind the booth and again I was left alone. Izat went off for lunch and stayed away for the whole of five hours and the senior professor came and expected to be entertained and stayed the whole of one hour, instead of the whole day. He said that he has to drive down to Melaka. I was like, “HELLO!! Where do you think I work? Like I don’t have to drive back?” I was felt like shit and by the end of the day, I was so tired that I couldn’t even drive back to Melaka. I spent the night at my sister’s place and drove down to Melaka at 6.30 a.m. to get to work at 8 a.m. By the end of the day, I was so tired that I went to bed at 7p.m. and woke up at 1 a.m. It’s 3.30 right now and I don’t know what to do with myself.

Usually I enjoy minding the exhibition booth but I just hated it this time. It’s a total waste of my time.

God!!! Things I have to do tomorrow! I have to attend a function with our Arab visitors at 9 but I have to go to the Immigration to take care of the visa applications for our international students. I don’t know how I got stuck with it- I just did. I really do not like dealing with the Immigration. I guess I’m the only one thick-skinned enough to deal with them, I guess. That is usually a whole day thing. Registration day for the new and senior graduate students is on the 19th—that’s only leaves tomorrow to get everything done.

I just got the news that I might lose my boss. He’s being seconded from UTM for two years and the attachment ends in September. He’s the nicest boss I’ve ever worked with. He demands a lot from me but he also gives a lot. UTM wants him back. Somebody I really dislike has aspirations to take over his place. If he gets it, I swear I’ll quit.

ASTHMA, ASTHMA, WHYFORE ART THOU HERE?

2006-07-14T14:17:00.000+08:00

Today I’m had an asthma attack. I went to class and two hours of icebreaking totally brought me down. I felt the wheezing coming last night and I couldn’t sleep until 4 a.m. I was on the nebulizer and I’ve to go in again in a few hours before I leave for KL this evening. My doctor said that my lungs sound like an accordion, really funny doc….

This weekend is a working weekend for me as I have to man the promotion booth at an education exhibition at KLCC. I haven’t really been going to work this week. I was on medical leave on Monday and Thursday, tried to go to work on Tuesday but just managed to be there for two hours before excusing myself. I went to work on Wednesday but was mostly out of it.
I hate these attacks. I had them as a child but I don’t remember—that was what my parents told me. It recurred early this year. It totally sucks. My attacks are usually precipitated by any respiratory infection so the flu I had this past week really helped it along.

It’s my own fault, really. I haven’t had an attack since April I think so I got a bit careless. I felt the sore throat coming and I didn’t do anything about it. Usually if I take care of myself during that time, I’ll be fine and it won’t even get to the full-blown cold or flu.

Every time I get an attack it takes forever for things to get to normal—at least a fortnight before I’m ok again. So I just have to go with the flow then. I hate the medication… Ventolin makes me shake like a junkie in need of a fix. I hate it.

So Joy, let it be a lesson to you…. Take better care of yourself coz no one will do it for you….

The one below was written last night when I couldn’t sleep…

WORDS AND LYRICS

One of the ways I improved my English when I was younger was by listening to songs and lyrics. That stays with me through the years as I find gems in songs. Things that resonate in my mind, touch a nerve or are just plain nice. A friend once told me that I have a good grasp of the idioms of the English language and now that I think of it, one of the reasons (if I do have it, that is) is that the creative language found in lyrics gives me a feel for the language usage. So you’ll find a lot of lyrics, good poems (mostly written by other people) and bad poem (mostly written by yours truly). Mostly, this blog can also be called “WORD VOMIT” as I am totally incapable of keeping things short and sweet. To quote one of my favorite authors, David Eddings, “It takes me ten pages just to clear my throat.” I feel that quote describes me quite well. If you are one of the unfortunate people who get my emails, you can attest to this, right? And those who don’t get anything from me can attest to the opposite, that they don’t get anything at all from me. It’s all or nothing. If I don’t write, I don’t write at all. If I do, watch out! Put your spam guard on! If I don’t write, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I love you to bits. It’s just that I don’t want to impose that unnecessarily on people:) it’s for your own good. Trust me. You are one of the fortunate ones.

Kepips (my sister) used to say to me, “Don’t you ever get tired of talking?” With people I’m close to, the answer is “NO”… sorry. Once she said to me, “Ok, why don’t we see if you can NOT TALK for one minute.” What do you think? Yep, you guessed it, I simply can’t. I tried… but I failed… I bowed my head in defeat. I think I made it to the 40 second mark.

I love it when the effect of words is achieved simply but profoundly. You don’t have to sound like you swallowed the Oxford English Dictionary to be effective. Words are most effective, to me, when you use simple words to say great, complex things. It gives me chills… The most powerful example is the “I Have A Dream” speech by Martin Luther King. He was addressing an audience that comprised of people from all walks of life: manual laborers, illiterates, white collared workers, all the way to the politicians and the bigwigs at the White House. His words were simple and accessible but his use of them in conveying the profound message was masterful.

I’m just easily moved by words. To me words have power—power to hurt, power to heal, power to soothe. I appreciate nuances and the different shades of meaning in different words. I’m easily offended by wrong things being said… that’s usually my first reaction but you can’t operate in this world being that sensitive so I’d just tell myself that they don’t mean it that way. Which is why it is the closest people can hurt us the most as we know whether they know what they are saying or not, whether they mean what they say- the way we perceive what they say. Hmm… that’s a lot of say’s in one sentence, there.

As I re-read my entries, I find grammatical errors but as for now, I just couldn’t be bothered to correct them. I’ll get around to doing that one of these days. So don’t bother me about them.
A writer friend once told me, “You write with your heart and edit with your head. In between, let it rest and come to it again with fresh eyes.” So I’m freshening up my eyes:). Vino would hate that. Me making up my own word and expression… just one of my little quirks, Vino darling. I love Vino… just wanna say that. Feel like saying it (now do you forgive me?) ;)

This song is one of my favorite songs. The words used in this song are simple but the larger meaning is just awesome. This is what I would hum unconsciously time and again. It’s by Joni Mitchell entitled “A Case of You”. I just love it….

Just before our love got lost you said,
"I am as constant as a northern star."
And I said, "Constantly in the darkness
Where's that at?
If you want me I'll be in the bar."

On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue TV screen light
I drew a map of Canada
Oh Canada

With your face sketched on it twice
Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you, darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I would still be on my feet

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid
I remember that time you told me, you said,
"Love is touching souls"
Surely you touched mine
'Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time
Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you, darling
Still, I'd be on my feet
I would still be on my feet

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said,
"Go to him, stay with him if you can
But be prepared to bleed"
Oh but you are in my blood
You're my holy wine
You're so bitter, bitter and so sweet
Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling
Still I'd be on my feet
I would still be on my feet

2006-07-14T00:34:00.000+08:00

I am consolidating my assets so to speak well just my blogs. So I've transferred the other blog here and left a termination notice at the other one. Too much effort to keep up two blogs and almost turned me into a psycho... not something you'd want as I don't have a full set of marbles as it is. So... there you go.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

It's been two years it seems since the last time I wrote here. Well, time has passed and I've grown a bit more... wiser, I hope. A lot has changed since two years ago. I have moved up the career ladder, more responsibilities, a bit more well-travelled and lost my garden, and gave up gardening altogether. I'm just not cut out to be a gardener. Thank God I didn't quit my day job. I moved to an apartment building owned by the company in exchange of my soul.. read here, in charge of young girls...me of all people. Maybe people see something in me that inspire confidence that I can be an adequate role model. Or there aren't anyone who are willing to sell their soul and free time to take care of 360 college girls.

All of the sudden, I feel like going back to writing in this blog. Actually, in the last six months I have been feeling that I want to write. Before this I feel a little like a pretender when I tried to write. I feel like I have to write about nice things only when I have this rage inside clawing to get out and shout at the world. I blame it on the patriachial world I live in. Where women needs to be all nice and keep their mouths shut if they are not happy with anything. Well, I'm too old to do that anymore. I am going to say my piece if I feel like it and if you don't like it, please feel free to lodge a complaint with the moral police. The number is 555-5555...

I also put this reckless attitude to the fact that I'm going to turn 33 this year and I'm not looking to get married. There!! I've said it! I've been deemed to be left on the shelf and past my expiry date. And let me tell you that it is a great load off my shoulder. I can now be more of myself. Not that I was trying to be somebody else, it was more like "let's not worry them with things like that" kind of thing. Or probably I had some subconscious desire to get married like other ppl. Therefore displaying behavior well-suited for someone who want to get married. Well, no more, Bucky! This is me, World! Take it or leave it. The world needs spinsters like me. We add some spice to the sickeningly sweet mixture of cloyness that premeates the air... Think of it as a whiff of eucalyptus oil in a roomful of rose potpurri and scented candles.

So world, if you think that the content of this blog might upset you, I suggest that you go to some other blogs that are fluffy and warm and fuzzy... or read my 4 entries from two years ago. That's fuzzy.... you can read them til you're cross-eyed. So what I'm saying basically is that "Reader's Discretion Advised" for Malaysian public.

posted by annys @ 12:33 AM 1 comments

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

My computer skills is apparently on the similar level to that of my gardening skills. I've been trying for days to publish some photo here... but alas it's all in vain.

I simply can't do it.

It's ok, I'll get it soon (I hope)

It's very frustrating though. I'm going to get some breakfast and get back to work afterwards. I've loads of stuff to deal with.

To those who have been trying to follow my meandering thoughts, thank you. I know it's very hard to follow something when it is almost non existent. However, after seeing Nisah's site last night, I'm so impressed and I wish to follow in her footsteps. Might not be as profound as hers, but it sure beats reading 2 entries for 2 whole months. For those who are interested in finding out more about her, she's one of Malaysian treasure. She writes in Malay and her books are not those semi literate Malay almost soft porn chick-lit you find out there at the bookstores. She is the real deal. She won the 2nd place in the national novel competition organized by Utusan Malaysia. It's cool-so check it out... www.nisah.cjb.net

To zrett... akabar? oooo nak attack kanis punya blog yek... boleh... as soon as you can teach me how to put an attack space. So nak kanis tolong makankan apa ni kat Melaka... heheh....
I hope to see you soon... study hard:)

laterz dudes and dudettes

posted by annys @ 10:38 AM 4 comments

Monday, June 28, 2004

Ah, Sun-flower! weary of time,
Who countest the steps of the Sun;
Seeking after that sweet golden clime
Where the traveller’s journey is done:

Where the Youth pined away with desire,
And the pale Virgin shrouded in snow:
Arise from their graves and aspire,
Where my Sun-flower wishes to go.

William Blake
Songs of Experience (1794) ‘Ah, Sun-flower!’

I love all flowers. I adore them and I cherish them. But no matter how hard I try, gardening still eludes me. I wonder why? I bought countless gardening books (well actually just 10;)) But still everything I touch would die. It's very sad actually. All my love can't save the flowers that I plant. Once, a friend, who possessed the greenest thumb ever among my peers, told me, "Why do you torture all these plants? If you just buy them just to kill them, don't even buy plants." She's a consummate gardener. We were 24 when she said that. Even now years later, those words still disturb me. Once, Madilin (another non-gardener like myself) and I bought a spider plant each. They say that any fool can keep them alive. I guess we must be the only fools in the world who couldn't keep a measly spider plant alive. They were dying... we agonized over them and begged them to get well. Well we decided that we would no longer be selfish and gave them up for adoption. Phawani was the name of the lady who took over the caring of the plants. A month later she told us, "Hey, the plants you gave me are really thriving. My husband and I even divided and repotted them.... I looked at Maddie and she looked at me. "Great," said the two non-gardeners with envy.

People have told me that I'm stubborn. I guess they are right since I've been trying again and again to cultivate my gardening skills as I cultivate my plants. So last week after 2 years since the previous attempt, I treated myself to a garden...

"How ambitious," you might say, when one plant hardly ever survive because of me... A few have survived in spite of me though. The reason for a garden, well if you can call 3 bougainvillae plants, 2 types of jasmine plants, a lime plant, a type of succulent (see all that reading has paid off), a lotus plant and another sturdy-looking water plant- a garden, is that it looks happier when all the flowerpots are neatly lined up against my wall. I bought 2 pots of instant flowers (for the lack of words). It is a package that includes 4 seeds, about 3 cups of soil and a plastic flowerpot. I also bought a few packets of seeds: sunflowers (MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE), morning glory (I have the feeling that they aren't very demanding. After all they thrive unattended hehe..), 2 types of annuals and one other plant that I can't remember the name (the reading hasn't really paid off, i guess) . I got a mixture of plants to start with. So we'll see how it goes.

When I was watering my "garden" I saw that my sunflowers and the 2 instant flowerpots have sprouted. I am so happy. I hope the gladness stays.

Then I got to thinking, gardening teaches us deferred gratification. It teaches us patience in waiting for the fruit or flowers of our labor to appear. Compare that with buying flowers. When you buy flowers, your desire for flowers is instantly gratified when the money exchanged hand.

On the other hand, gardening has us battling with heartache, numerous leaves with no flower in sight and worry that the plant might die, before blessing us with the flowers that we grow with our own hands. It's the most satisfying feeling in the world... especially for a minimal garderner that I am.

I'll keep you posted.

posted by annys @ 6:53 PM 1 comments

Thursday, May 06, 2004

Fragile as the leave in autumn...

Sometimes we are oblivious to what we are doing and its consequences that it takes a similar experience to happen to someone you care about for you to see it from another perspective and realize that you have been thoughtless and unfair.

Why is that?

Why can't we automatically know? Wouldn't it be nice to be able to avoid all that complication, now?

I know, I know, it doesn't work that way. What then can be done? Well, learn from experience, I always say. Life is a journey and as Roxie and Velma said, "We move on."

posted by annys @ 1:24 PM

Saturday, April 24, 2004

hello world!!

posted by annys @ 2:08 PM

2006-07-13T23:29:00.000+08:00

My Current Playlist

I’m Outta Love- Anastasia
Left Outside Alone- Anastasia
Can’t Hold Us Down- Christina Aguilerra
Fighter- Christina Aguilerra
When Love And Hate Collide- Def Leppard
Independent Woman- Destiny’s Child
Pupus- Dewa
White Flag-Dido
I’ll Be- Edwin McCain
Bring Me To Life- Evanescence
My Immortal- Evanescence
Cry- Faith Hill
I Don’t Wanna Be- Gavin DeGraw
Miss Independent- Kelly Clarkson
Cobalah Untuk Setia- Kris Dayanti
Cinta- Kris Dayanti
Black Horse And The Cherry Tree- KT Tunstall
I Do- Lisa Loeb
How You Remind Me- Nickleback
Don’t Speak- No Doubt
I Will Survive- Diana Ross
Don’t Cha- Pussycat Dolls
Pudar- Rossa
Unpretty- TLC
Creep- TLC
I Drive Myself Crazy- N’Sync (yeah…I know, how could I right? But we all have the right to be sappy to the max on occasion! All right! I'll admit it, I'm a sap. There! Are you happy?)

I call this playlist "Frustrated Strength" .... go figure!

2006-07-13T22:42:00.000+08:00

I believe that English saved my life. How, you might ask. In high school, I really didn’t have anything that I was good at. Not sports obviously as the school doesn’t really have any sports program. We had PE once a week for 45 minutes where the teacher wears high heels to the field and pointed imperiously for you to fetch the ball or something idiotic like that. Most of the time, though, we just sat in class while the teacher catches up on her lesson plans. So it was safe to say that the sports program, at least for girls at that school was non-existent.

I wasn’t good at math or science. My brain just isn’t wired that way or most likely that my cognitive maturity was lacking for the math and science work that we did at that school because I remember understanding with perfect clarity what I learned at Form Three when I was in Form Four. Things ferment in my brain until I get around to understanding them. Luckily, I was smart enough to memorize things without understanding them. Otherwise, who’d know what I could’ve become. So that’s how I got along at school. I’m not saying that I was stupid but I had no passion for anything they were teaching at that school. In class, I was a little bit above average but in my heart I knew that there were more in me than that.

When I was in Form One, there was this Bruneian teacher who taught Arabic. I flourished and I aced every test- getting above 90 percent all the time. Unfortunately she was doing her practical teaching training. So she was there at most for 5 months and a Troll took over the class when she left and the way he taught was horrible. I don’t think he did any actual teaching. He came into the class, and told us to answer questions from the book one by one. If you answer it wrongly, you keep standing and if you get it right, you can sit down. That went on until the the period ended. If you were standing, and your turn came and you got it wrong, you stand on the chair and if your turn came again and you got it wrong again, you stand on the table. Guess who got to stand on the table? Yep… until I wised up.

The classes were divided into 3 and they were streamed according to our ability in Arabic and I was in the last class. All my life I’ve always been in the smart group and if I were a bit hypersensitive, it would’ve killed me. But it did leave some kind of insecurity complex that I wasn’t as bright as the others but since I was the brightest in the pool of stupidity, it didn’t get to me too much.

So how did I get wise up? I got the answers before the class but since the people I asked weren't exactly geniuses at Arabic, I got to keep standing on regular basis for old times' sake, but just on the floor. Not on the desk or even on the chair. That’s how I survived my Form One Arabic class.

We kept each other’s spirit up by thinking that it will be over at the end of the year and in Form Two, the best Arabic teacher would be teaching us. So bright eyed and bushy tailed, we waited breathlessly for our nicest Arabic teacher to walk in but no, the Troll strolled in, no pun intended. The second year slaughter continued. In Form Four, I was useless by then, we got the best Arabic teacher but the damage has already been done. I developed a resistence for anything Arabic. I tried to flunk it at the National Examination that we had to take at the end of the third year so that I could transfer school but couldn’t even manage that.

Back to the thesis statement that English saved my life. In Malaysia we learned English since we were 6 years old. That didn’t do me any good as I went to school in a rural area and nobody around me spoke English. Neither of my parents speaks the language. So I concluded that I sucked at it too.

My eldest sister (by 5 years) loved reading. She had a subscription to the Readers Digest and I couldn’t understand how she could read it. It didn’t have any interesting picture, the font was so tiny that it gives you headache so I told her so in the most scathing manner (the insolent idiot trying to look down her nose at something she didn’t understand). She tossed casually, “I challenge you to read that and understand it. I’ll bet you can’t.” I was speechless… because I couldn’t—as she says.

I walked away thinking, “I’ll show you!” but I had nothing to show. I didn’t understand the language. I was in Form 2 then I think—14 years old. I went to the library, looked at English books that I could understand most of the words. I started with big thin fairytales with large prints that you give to 5-year-olds to teach them reading. When I finished those, I was good enough to understand most of the words of a slightly more complex books so I borrowed those and that continued with books with increasing difficulties. So basically I brought my proficiency up from poor to very good for my age group in a year. I went to the library before class started to borrow a book and read it from start to finish by recess when I borrowed another book that I would return at the end of school. I read when the between periods while waiting for the next teacher, when the teacher was not teaching, when there was no teacher (the teachers in that school sometimes, well a lot of times, had to attend to something or the other so we had a lot of free period and especially when the teacher teaching bored me. Plus, I hated being in that school so reading became my escape from the oppresive world around me then. So found my passion. I LOVED READING!! Wow! How cool was that! In addition to that, I developed the ability to speed-read without having to pay someone to teach me how to do it.

I started getting A’s in English and developed the reputation to being a walking dictionary. Being good at English in that very conservative environment wasn’t easy. They want to stay on your good side because they need to ask you to help them with their homework but I was also weird because how in the world could this girl with no discernable talent become so good at something that they are not plus it’s the language of the Colonist… yes, they did think like that.

In addition to that I had teachers whom I adored in Form Two all the way to Form Five. That really helped. I’m an emotional learner. When I learn anything, I have to be engaged emotionally by my teacher to stay motivated. Thus, Arabic was never my strong point to put it mildly, with the Troll making my life miserable.

In Form Four, I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to take TESL and become an English teacher. And I did….

See, English did save my life. It gave me an escape route during my darkest time (that’s what I consider my highschool life to be), gave me self-esteem and gave me a job.

2006-07-13T01:27:00.000+08:00

The Necklace

The one I wear around my neck

To the naked eye seems to be precious, golden and materialistic

If you look closely with your mind and heart

You'll see that it is more than that

Who would know more than me

Of what it really stands for

For freedom of choice

To love, to touch, to give, to receive, to accept and to share

The golden strand around my neck

Is the promise I make to myself

To listen to my heart

Always

To hold true to my desires

It is my reminder to myself

For me to be a woman first and always

Its metallic strength is an echo of the strength of my soul

Its glint is a reflection of my radiant spirit

Its value is an echo of my precious emotions

Its beauty is a hint of my true womanly beauty

It tells of the promise that I make to my heart

To fill my life with love, blessing and promise

To always look ahead with a clear sight and open heart

And to love myself as who I am

Idealism, realism, optimism

2006-07-12T18:40:00.000+08:00

IDEALISM, REALISM, OPTIMISM

I am surrounded by idealists actually, that sometimes when I'm with them I feel like the veritable Scrooge. I am a self-confessed realist. However, my realism is tinted in turn by optimism, pessimism and at times idealism and sometimes even romanticism *gasp!!

I can be very honest at the point of brutality but generally I opt for the policy of keeping my mouth shut if I don't have anything nice to say. However, as time goes by and I get older, I find myself taking the approach of "who cares what other people think" and the gradual onset of assertiveness I attribute to self assurance, self esteem and confidence that come with maturity and good like-minded company :).

If I have the balls to say it, I have the balls to back it up too. Not literally of course since I'm of the female persuasion- just as a metaphor. My realism stems from that too I think, I admit I started my life as an Idealist... like most people I think, but after being in the real world, your rose-tinted glasses start to slip little by little. And I think mine almost come off now. Time and again I feel them slip up before slipping down again. I seriously think that working with the government is the contributing factor to the crash of my idealism. Not to say that my previous jobs didn't have anything to do with the fall of idealism from my cognitive and emotional makeup. They have their own special little ways of chipping at my idealism.

Let's trace back the rise and fall of my ideals, shall we?

In the beginning, I was a tabula rasa... sort of... hating my surrounding for its hediously hypocritical religious flavor. Hmm.. come to think of it, it wasn't so much of tabula rasa... The tabula rasa is mostly the battleground where two ways of thinking fighting over each other for dominance. On one hand, we have the conventional, more generic values that surrounded me- with the inconsistencies and hypocracies called traditions and customs. I come from a very traditional family where men are men and women are women. So I was brought up knowing how to conduct myself to be pleasing and decorus to the beholder- with demure smiles and lowered eyes...

On the other hand, I hated the injustices that I see as the result of the traditions. I struggled against them in my own small ways. I was sent to the religious boarding school since I was 13 and at 18 I graduated high school. I hated every single day of the time I spent there. Thinking back, I could've turned into a serial killer or something. The students who go to that school are divided into 2 categories, day schoolers and boarders. It was without a doubt an extended cruel and unusual punishment for me.

Although my house is in the same district as the school, in fact it was about 8 kilometers away or something asinine like that, my parents insisted that I joined the boarders. My parents went to that school, 4 of their offsprings went there too... some got lucky and got sent to other boarding school after a while. Not me!! No siree, I was stuck there for 5 miserable years. Not fitting in with the cackling hypocritical witches at the dorm, I was an outcast...not a very good place to be for a 13 year old girl. Luckily, my big brother went there too... my handsome, popular big brother, so the senior girls thought that overtly bullying me wouldn't score points with my brother so they sort of like left me alone. That put me in a very interesting situation actually because I got away with thing that would normally warrant a torture session from the senior girls. Not that my brother would care one way or the other what happened to me but they couldn't believe the handsome Crescent wouldn't listen to his adorable little sister Joy...WHY? .. He's perfectly handsome, of course he listens to her and protects her... incidentally, that's how most women think of handsome men... that just because they look perfect, they must be perfect too...yeah, and Ted Bundy was really perfect, I guess. But that let me off the hook, so I was kinda ok with them thinking that.

So I became some sort of an america... you know.. bring me your blind, your downtrodden, your prosecuted, that kind of thing and my brother inadvertently acted as my insurance policy and here, I would like to thank him for that... for unknowingly protecting me haha.

So that was my first dose of realism, I think. No wonder why I can't stick to being an Idealist. I've seen too much shit in from a young age coming from people who you'd think wouldn't do something like that. The ideals came later....

2006-07-12T09:17:00.000+08:00

Bridge Over Troubled Water

When you' re weary feeling small
When tears are in your eyes I'll dry them all
I'm on your side, oh... when times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
When darkness comes, and pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
Oh if you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

2006-07-09T14:51:00.000+08:00

First Vacation Since I Started My Life as a Worker of the World

For your information, that started in 1997, so I have been slogging away for nine years before I decided "THAT'S IT!!" So I took the much needed rest at the ripe old age of 32. I worked when I was 23.. wow, that long? Twenty-three... looking back, being twenty-three was so far away...

One of the reasons why I took the decision to travel is because I have always loved travelling. It's just that there was never enough money for me to travel. Not to say that I've struck it rich since then but I just don't want to let that stop me. I mean, when do you really have money magically left over after you bought that lipstick that you really must have? Never... Nunca....

So I closed my eyes and booked my ticket, blackmailed my boss so that he lets me take the necessary leave - well, it's more not giving him a chance to say no... he just has to choose whether I go in May or June:). It worked.... note to self.... when dealing with men, give them choices, don't ask for permission... the answer is almost always a resounding "NO!" So I once was selected to go to Ohio University in Athens so I felt that that is the right choice. Plus I once hosted a friend for two months when he came down to Malaysia, so I figured that I can call in my favors now. And he happily hosted my vacation there. I can tell you right now if I had to pay for accomodation, I'd be broke by now! In a way I did pay for my vacation, I cooked him curry... lots and lots and lots of curry.... :)

I flew into Chicago after being 19 hours on the plane on the 7th June 2006. I enjoyed Chicago for three days- staying at a youth hostel in the LOOP.... well mainly trying to get over the jet lag actually. I was so tired I just took the Double Decker trolley for two days around Chicago. Round and round I went. I just snapped pictures right and left. The sad thing about travelling alone is that your picture is never in... you are the photographer. But well... I didn't care, I know how I look already:P I might be vain but not that vain (i hope).

I truly recommend staying at a youth hostel. You meet a lot of people and you really connect and make friends although the friendship might not go beyond that vacation, who cares.... I was very fortunate that during my stay there, the Chicago Blues Festival was in full swing. So a group of us from the Hostel walked over to the park with a large piece of tarpauline and sat there listening to the amazing blues... It was an incredible experince. I want to go back to Chicago and do it properly next time.

My style of traveling is so casual. As long as I know where I'm sleeping th) at night, the rest is just whatever comes my way or whatever fancy takes me. So there are tons of things I haven't seen in Chicago. And to me, that's structured enough for me:).

Next destination is probably Italy or Spain .... *sigh... All contribution to "Anisah's Traveling Fund" is deeply appreciated ;) if you donate more than 50 ringgit, you can get tax break from it. heheh. .... I'll even throw in a souvenier mug or something:):):)

2005-03-28T15:06:00.000+08:00

Just the grades seem so cold and barren. So I include here my favorite poem by a Metaphysic poet in the 16th century. Tell me what you think. ... by the way, it's a love poem hehe...

SONG.
by John Donne

SWEETEST love, I do not go,
For weariness of thee,
Nor in hope the world can show
A fitter love for me ;
But since that I
At the last must part, 'tis best,
Thus to use myself in jest
By feigned deaths to die.

Yesternight the sun went hence,
And yet is here to-day ;
He hath no desire nor sense,
Nor half so short a way ;
Then fear not me,
But believe that I shall make
Speedier journeys, since I take
More wings and spurs than he.

O how feeble is man's power,
That if good fortune fall,
Cannot add another hour,
Nor a lost hour recall ;
But come bad chance,
And we join to it our strength,
And we teach it art and length,
Itself o'er us to advance.

When thou sigh'st, thou sigh'st not wind,
But sigh'st my soul away ;
When thou weep'st, unkindly kind,
My life's blood doth decay.
It cannot be
That thou lovest me as thou say'st,
If in thine my life thou waste,
That art the best of me.

Let not thy divining heart
Forethink me any ill ;
Destiny may take thy part,
And may thy fears fulfil.
But think that we
Are but turn'd aside to sleep.
They who one another keep
Alive, ne'er parted be.

2005-03-28T14:24:00.000+08:00

To my dearest students,

It was a great pleasure knowing you. I wish we can have more time together. In any case, I hope that great and beautiful things will happen to you and fill your life with joy, wisdom and beauty.

love,
ms anis

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2004-04-24T14:01:00.000+08:00

testingostory

2004-04-11T12:43:00.000+08:00

this is the first try..!